Thursday, May 11, 2023

No Amount Of Memberberries Can Make Me Care About This Flash(point) Movie

The Flash movie is a little over a month away from being released... and I am not excited about it.

I've already talked a bit about the second trailer that came out a couple weeks ago over at the DTM-Cast - it's practically the last 5-10 minutes of the program - but I will re-iterate what I said there here. I'm kinda stoked that they somehow managed to convince Michael Keaton to do one last run as Batman and while him being copiously CG'ed doesn't instill much inspiration, I would be totally down with seeing the dude come back into the fold. Clearly, I'm not the only one; a lot of people are excited over this.

So they brought back Michael Keaton to the Batcave... and this - this - is the fucking movie they decide to put him in.

Forget all the shit that's going on with Ezra Miller in real life that's apparently being glossed over because he/she/they/it/shit/whatever scores points on that diversity checklist that protects you from punishment for being an all-around horrible human being. I was never a fan of Miller's take on the character; I find his/her/their/its/shits/whatevers take on Barry Allen to be annoying as fuck and not in an endearing way. Not even the almighty Snyder Cut did much to fix the issues that I had with this jabron, so to have an entire movie focused on this version of Barry Allen was already raising several red flags.

And then you add in another version being played by the same actor... fuck me, I would've been happier if it had been Grant Gustin doing a different version of Barry that isn't whatever he does on the CW show... or maybe bring back John Wesley Shipp as 90s Flash; fuck that Crisis crossover because I don't count that shit. Hell, I'll even take the guy who played the Flash in that shitty Justice League pilot that never made air!

(Fun fact: The Justice League pilot film features a character called Fire, who was played by Michelle Hurd, who is probably better known these days for playing that Raffi person in Star Trek: Picard. The more you know, I guess.)

But on top of all of that, the premise of your one Flash movie that you've been trying to turn into a thing for a good long while... is based on the comic book event called Flashpoint, where Barry goes back in time to save his mom from dying and that results in the timeline getting fucked up. And now he has to assemble a team together to go and fix his fuck-ups.

For the record, I've never been a fan of Flashpoint; I've said as much in the past. So for a whole movie to be based on that is even more a red flag.

But the sad thing is that we're not even doing the actual Flashpoint story here. Michael Keaton is playing Bruce Wayne, not Thomas Wayne as was the case in the comic. And the big cataclysmic event taking place in this movie seems to be a retread of Man of Steel - except now instead of a Superman, we now have a Supergirl... or a Superwoman... or something? We got a new Super person who probably would've been better off wearing Henry Cavill's old costume instead of the cheap costume they stuck her in. I mean, seriously, this looks something you'd get off AlieExpress for twenty bucks. It's that bad looking and a surprising oversight from a studio who is usually more careful in how to present these characters.

Also, this thing is dealing with multiverses, isn't it?

Apparently, James Gunn - the fellow overseeing the DC Universe creative direction going forward - says this is going to change everything. I wonder if this was always the case or something he pulled out of his ass to justify this thing's existence. And I'm not railing on James Gunn - he produced a couple entertaining films with his Guardians movies and his take on the Suicide Squad. So I want to think he did what he could to make this fit in with the rest of his plans for the DC film stuff.

If only he could have done the same for Shazam 2... hell, Aquaman's sequel is supposed to be coming up. Does that fit into the grand scheme of things or is it a case where they have to release this in order to recoup the money spent on this thing? Oh wait, Amber Heard's in that one, too, isn't she? That's another one with some issues that are seemingly glossed over, aren't they?

And people give wrestling fans shit for enjoying people with spotty reputations.

Look, for those who are looking forward to this thing, more power to toy. I hope when this thing comes out, it turns out to your liking and you enjoy the show. But as for me... yeah, unless there's a get-together and somebody else is footing the bill... I'm gonna pass on this one. Thanks but no thanks.

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