Wednesday, April 6, 2022

WWF Survivor Series 1999

This is the show where someone ran over Steve Austin with a car to write him off the show so he could properly deal with his nagging neck issues. I don't know who that fellow is, but he must be some mean bastard.

Spoiler: It was Rikishi. He did it for the Rock, you know.

The Godfather, D-Lo Brown & The Headbangers defeated The Acolytes & The Dudley Boyz in a "traditional" Survivor Series match, with Godfather and D-Lo the survivors.

Oh, talk about history. Olympic gold medallist and real athlete KURT ANGLE defeated Shawn Stasiak in a fairly decent match that sees the crowd boo Angle, prompting him to inform them that "YOU DO NOT BOO AN OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST!" This Kurt Angle kid is pretty good and he has a good future ahead of him, so long as he keeps his head on straight.

Val Venis, Gangrel, Mark Henry & Steve Blackman defeated British Bulldog & The Mean Street Posse in a traditional Survivor Series match that sees the Posse killed off early, leaving poor Bulldog alone against four mean bastards. Again, Bulldog had seen better days.. RIP.

There's a women's Survivor Series match that is won by Moolah and Mae Young... I refuse to list the names of the other women in this match because they deserve better than to be associated with this dreck. At least it was short... only a couple minutes, but it was still a couple minutes too long. Fuck.

Kane defeated X-Pac via DQ when DX did the run-in on Kane. Then some girl gets kicked by X-Pac. Oh yeah, DX got back together again after months of feuding with each other... because of course, they did. This was a thing that happened.

The FUCKING BIG SHOW defeaed four guys in a 4-on-1 handicap match that saw FUCKING BIG SHOW eliminate three guys and then Big Bossman - with whom Show was feuding with because Bossman said some not-so-nice things about Big Show's daddy - ran away. This was supposed to be a "traditional" Survivor Series match, but FUCKING BIG SHOW killed his partners on Heat so he could go it alone. All of this lasted about a minute.

And then Steve Austin gets run over by a car and he's written out of the show for months.

Intercontinental champion Chyna defeated Chris Jericho to retain the title. Was this the match where everyone shat on Jericho for not taking better care of Chyna? They should've be praising him for giving her her best match in her short run. Not a great match, by any means.

Too Cool & The Hollys defeated Edge & Christian & The Hardy Boyz in a "traditional" Survivor Series match, with Hardcore Hlly being the sole survivor of te match.

World tag team champions The New Age Outlaws defeated Mankind & Al Snow to retain the titles. Perfectly acceptable tag match.

Steve Austin's replacement in the three-way... okay, so at the time, they had a story where Stephanie McMahon was smitten with Test and they were going to get married at some point. So logic dictates that you'd send out Test to be Austin's replacement since he's going to be part of the family and you know the old promoter adage; keep it in the family because you'll know they'll never go away. Hell, there were plenty of other potential options you could go for.

And so who do they go with? The Big Show... who is presently in a goofy feud with the Bossman over the death of his fake daddy. For those needing context, Paul Wight's actual father was deceased for years, but the angle had it so that he had died recently and Bossman even faked a message beforehand that said father passed away and... man, this shit is so convoluted you wonder if this was a leftover Russo script that nobody bothered to change.

So yes, the guy who, just FOUR DAYS earlier, was riding a fucking casket in a goofy funeral scene on Smackdown, was the guy chosen to replace STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN in the triple threat match for the WWF World Heavyweight Championship. And not only that, but he wins the title.

Yes, THE FUCKING BIG SHOW defeated WWF Champion Triple H and the Rock in a Triple Threat match with an assist from Vince McMahon to win the title. It's been a little over two decades since this show took place and I'm still somewhat gobsmacked that of all the people you pick to replace Stone Cold Steve Austin - your biggest money-maker up to that point and the man responsible for the WWF's fortunes being turned around - you go with the guy who has been booked largely like a goof since his debut in 1999. Not only that, but the last time we saw Big Show, he was riding a fucking coffin in a goofy skit on Smackdown... and that's the guy you give your WORLD TITLE?

Dude, I'm sorry, but this show was the drizzling shits. I'm not even going to say much more than that; it was that bad... and so, all that's left is Armageddon, but we're saving that for later. Because next week, ECW's first PPV is going to be a quarter-century old and I'm going to offer some musings on the show. Should be fun.

One last thing before I go... FUCKING BIG SHOW.

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