Saturday, August 31, 2019

WWE Summerslam 2019

I don't think it should surprise anyone that it would take this long for me to post musings on the most recent of Summerslams. In a way, it makes sense because of the whole count-up experience, but generally, this is done because I split the viewing experience over several days. This was one of the easier shows to sit through. It was long, sure, but it didn't feel like a chore and I didn't feel like saving the rest for later. That's a good thing.

RAW Women's Champion Becky Lynch defeated Natalya via submission to retain the title. The match was a thing that happened with the crowd not caring until they spotted a Sharpshooter being done and decided to chant that this was awesome because the crowd are trained monkeys. The announcers are your usual gang of idiots that detract from the match more than they add to it. I want to say that it was good, but I'm just so "meh" on the whole thing that it never got my interest level beyond a point of caring. Better luck next time, I suppose.

Goldberg defeated Dolph Ziggler in a really short match that saw Dolph give a Superkick before eating spear and jackhammer. Dolph ran his mouth and got a couple more spears. It was short, it was simple, it was a Goldberg match, and Dolph played the role he was supposed to play in this story. Anything other than a Goldberg match and Dolph getting killed in short fashion would be an utter travesty and for anyone wanting a longer match, FUCK OFF! THIS WAS PERFECT! A BILLION KATRILLION ZILLION GADILLION STARS!

United States Champion AJ Styles defeated Ricochet to retain the title. This was, unfortunately, a thing that happened... and I say "unfortunately" because both guys (allegedly) have had better matches on free TV and in theory, both guys being high caliber talents should be able to up their games here. Alas, it was pretty pedestrian fare that left me apathetic at the predictable endgame. Shame.

Smackdown Women's Champion Bayley defeated Ember Moon in a thing that happened to retain the title. The less said, the better.

Kevin Owens defeated Shane McMahon, which means he doesn't have to quit forever per match stipulations. This was wretched. Elias came out as "special enforcer" for the match and like an IDIOT, KO goes to argue before realizing he might get counted out and quit forever. This match is built on the premise of KO being a complete fucking dumbfuck who gets himself into dumb situations that almost costs him the match and it was fucking awful. They're trying to re-create that Steve Austin vs. Vince McMahon vibe with this match, except the Austin/McMahon thing worked because Austin was booked like a badass who overcame the odds and foiled Vince's plans. KO is booked like a fucking geek who does stupid shit that almost has him losing and he needed a swift kick in the balls to get a win and save his job. Wow, what a badass... fuck, this shit blows.

And didn't I tell you this was going to happen? When people were praising that one KO promo from a couple months or so ago and I said that it wouldn't lead anywhere and then people thought I was crazy because THIS TIME FOR SURE, a "shoot promo" was going to turn KO or whoever into a badass? And then they book this shit. Everyone thought they were getting the modern-day Stone Cold with KO and it turns out the only thing Stone Cold about KO is his finisher... but hey, at least, the Toronto crowd cheered him on because they're also a bunch of losers and can probably relate.

Also, the stuff happening on Smackdown afterwards... my head hurts just thinking about it. Moving on.

Baby Flair defeated Trish Stratus via submission in a pretty good match that started off a bit slow, but picked up steam as it went along. The ending was never in doubt, but at the very least, Trish got out on a high note and on her back, following the so-called time-honored tradition. Probably the best of the women's matches on display here. See, I can say nice things about Charlotte when I have nice things to say.

The match between WWE Champion Kofi Kingston and Randy Orton ended in a double countout where they were brawling outside like total fucking idiots. Boring, boring, boring match built on a stupid premise (an actual shoot incident from a decade ago is the focus of this worked environment, making this whole thing seem stupid from the get-go to anyone with a functioning brain) and the bad non-finish made things even worse.

THE FIEND (Bray Wyatt in a mask) defeated Finn Balor with a Mandible Claw in a relatively short match to send Finn on vacation while putting over the Fiend. Bray has slightly scarier music and he looked a hell of a lot slimmer, but it's just the same Bray Wyatt match I've seen in forever. Hopefully, the new gimmick will turn out better than the last one, but bitter experience has taught me otherwise.

Seth Rollins defeated Red Belt Champion Brock Lesnar in a genuinely good match to win the title, even though the wrong guy won. I suspect that had this been the main event at Mania, this is the match we would've gotten instead of the short match that took place. Without the whole THIS TIME FOR SURE variable hanging by a threat, the door was open in a way that they could've gone either way. The booking leading up to this made Seth look like a geek and when he won the title, I wasn't thinking "Thank fuck Brock isn't champion, anymore," but rather "Oh fuck, whiny Seth's the champion again."

And so that was Summerslam 2019. All I can say is that the crowd enjoyed this show more than I did because they were into everything and that somewhat enhances the presentation somewhat. All that said, there's stuff to like here. The main event was surprisingly good, Flair/Trish is decent, and Goldberg killing Dolph will never be boring... I probably shouldn't have said that.

Oh and the show didn't last forever. It was long, but at least I could sit through the whole thing in one shot; a rare feat for WWE PPVs these days. I suppose this is an aberration rather than the norm, but whatever the case, I'll take it. This was a fun show aside from the parts that weren't. Take it for what it's worth.

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