Thursday, August 29, 2019

WWE Summerslam 2012

Early 2012 saw the return of Brock Lesnar, who decimated John Cena in spectacular fashion in his first WWE match since 2004... and then Cena overcame the odds and beat Brock, because WWE ruins everything. Now it's Summerslam, where Brock faces off against Triple H a.k.a. McSon-In-Law.

Might as well get it over with.

Chris Jericho defeated Dolph Ziggler in the opening contest that told the story of older vet using his smarts and experience to foil the younger star. Remember the good ol' days when everyone was waiting for Dolph to reach that higher level and that he was the next big main event thing? Those were an eternity ago... but I digress.

Daniel Bryan Danielson defeated Kane with a roll-up in a pretty entertaining little match. The typical big powerful hoss vs. smaller agile fellow type of match. This sort of thing would lead to the Anger Management stuff that would form the Hell No team called Team Hell No... yeah, that still sounds stupid.

Intercontinental Champion THE MIZ defeated Rey Mysterio Batman to retain the title in a perfectly acceptable wrestling match. It was alright, nothing special.

BIG GOLD World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus (pre-mohawk, pre-Bar) defeated ALBERTO DEL RIO to retain the title... this was a thing that happened.

Tag-Team Champions R-Truth and Kofi Kingston (a pairing I never knew was a thing... or had completely forgotten about) defeated the Prime Time Players (Titus O'Neil and Darren Young) in a thing that happened.

WWE Champion CM Punk defeated John Cena and FUCKING BIG SHOW in a triple threat match to retain the title. Cena and Punk did a combined submission that causes him to tap out, but then-RAW GM AJ Lee declares the match restarted because we can't have two winners and nobody wants "co-champions" or anything, which makes her more intelligent than Stephanie McMahon. The match was a thing that happened and nobody cared because FUCKING BIG SHOW.

And in the main event, Brock Lesnar defeated HHH in a match that came off so badly for McSon-In-Law that he later got a haircut. Brock Lesnar returned earlier this year and had a match against John Cena that featured Cena getting utterly maimed before getting the "lucky" win over Brock. This was a HHH match where HHH was being the ring general and Brock was in trouble. It was boring, it was lame, it didn't work. When a Brock Lesnar match ends up being so boring you'll take Suplex City, Bitch over this shit, there's something wrong.

HHH stands there, expecting a hero's reception for his big farewell... only to receive a bunch of cackles, chants of "You tapped out", and basically translating to an eternity of Hunter standing there like a sad sack of shit, waiting for an otherwise anemic "HHH" chant and some pity applause. Any other big name you don't see often might've gotten that, but it's fucking Hunter; he'll back back in a few months to wrestle his twice a year match and everybody knew it. It's basically a case of "How can we miss you if you never go away?"

This show was a thing that happened. There was nothing really wrong with it, but it was just a bunch of stuff happening. It was truly a case where you'll watch the show and completely forget about it an hour or so later. That was the feeling I got watching this show. That's not a feeling you should have watching Summerslam.

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