Saturday, August 17, 2019

WWE Summerslam 2005

This show featured Shawn Michaels and Hulk Hogan in a dream match of sorts... where Michaels played bad guy for a short while because Hollywood Huckster wanted an old school Hulk Hogan match (well, he wanted several, but HBK wasn't having it). We got some entertaining skits like the fake Larry King parody and the one promo in Montreal, but the rest of it... well, let's find out, shall we?

Chris Benoit defeated United States champion Orlando Jordan to win the title in a match so short I could recap the whole damn thing here. Benoit shoves Jordan into a turnbuckle, German Suplexes the guy, and hits the Crossface for the submission in twenty-five seconds. This lead to a rather hilarious (well, I suppose not anymore these days) series of vignettes where Benoit would attempt to accomplish things faster than twenty-five seconds such as making a cup of coffee or going to the bathroom... actually, you know what? Despite how things ended, I could still watch these vignettes and get a bit of a chuckle out of them... not something I can do often with anything related to Chris Benoit these days.

Edge (paired up with Lita) defeated Matt Hardy in a thing that happened... Long story short, Matt and Lita were a couple in real life before Lita cheated on Matt by dating Edge, who also happened to be married at the time. Matt threw a fit, got fired, lost his mind, was eventually hired back, and jobbed out to Edge because Edge was the guy who was going to the big star while Matt was the Janetty that nobody would care about after this whole thing blew over.

Rey Mysterio defeated Eddie Guerrero in a ladder match to claim custody of his son Dominic... who was apparently Eddie's kid "for real" because little Rey-Rey was shooting blanks or something. This feud is where all those Papi jokes regarding Dominic came from... then again, Dominic these days is taller than Rey, so maybe there's some merit to Eddie's claim. Sadly, Eddie wouldn't be long in this world as he'd pass away a couple months later.

Kurt Angle defeated Eugene in a short, glorified squash match. Eugene was Nick Dinsmore doing a "handicap" gimmick, which might seem offensive but was actually quite charming until the joke overstayed its welcome. For what it's worth, both guys got their shit in and it wasn't a total waste of time, but surely you could've given KURT ANGLE something better to do on your second biggest show of the year.

Randy Orton defeated The Undertaker with outside interference from his old man, Cowboy Bob Orton Jr. This was... a thing that happened. It wasn't a bad match perse, but there's a fairly good chance their Mania match from earlier that year was somewhat better... for whatever that's worth. Sadly, this feud continued for several months.

WWE Champion John Cena defeated Chris Jericho in what can be diplomatically called "perfectly acceptable wrestling" to retain the title... and yes, it's the Spinner Belt, which explains why I wasn't into this one. Jericho would be gone from WWE shortly thereafter because he's a superstar who's got better things to do.

World Big Gold Belt champion Batista defeated JBL with a powerbomb into the steel steps to retain the title. This was a thing that happened... though I'd imagine at the time, I would've been nervous about JBL once again winning a World title. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed and Big Dave would retain the title for several more months before an injury put him out of action and forced the title in abeyance.

And in our main event, Hollywood Huckster defeated Ach Bee Kay in a total mockery of a match. This was the "old" HBK who didn't get his way (which would've been an extended feud of sorts that saw him get his win back before it didn't work for brutha, brutha) and as such sold all of Hulk's offense in the most cartoonish, over exaggerated manner he could. This wasn't Rock oversell Stone Stunners for dramatic effect; this was Shawn pissing and moaning for not getting his way. But since it's Hogan, I'm fine with this outward display of mockery.

When the highlight of the entire show was a match that was over in less than half a minute, you're in for a rough ride the rest of the way. Summerslam 2005 was a show that felt longer than the 3+ hours it lasted, which is never a good sign. Not a good show by any means.

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