Wednesday, May 22, 2019

WWE Money In The Bank 2019

Good news, everybody! I watched last weekend's Money In The Bank pay-per-view... and it was better than last year's absolutely atrocious Backlash PPV! Glory be to... never mind. This was a 3 1/2 hour PPV and yet for the most part, went by so quickly that I was able to watch the show in one sitting, which is amazing. Don't get too excited, because the show isn't something I would call "one for the history books."

Unless, of course, you work for WWE... or are just a fan of WWE who watches nothing but WWE... in which case... well, never mind.

So Bayley won the Women's Money In The Bank ladder match, which also included Carmella, Nattie, and a bunch of women whose names don't matter because they didn't win and it's the same match every year; a bunch of MOVES, a bunch of FLIPS, a bunch of DIVES, some ladders tossed around, and then Bayley wins. Good for Bayley; she needs something worthwhile to win after being treated like an afterthought for years. The match itself was fine for this sort of thing, but I'm just like, "Whatever. Been there, done that."

There's a bunch of backstage skits in the back when Sami Zayn is in fear of Braun Strawman, who was screwed out of a qualifying spot in the main event ladder match. HHH assures him that Braun is banned from the building, but turns out he's here too. And then later on, Zayn is hung upside down and HHH blames Braun, who claims to know nothing about this. This eventually leads to a new mystery entrant in... well, we'll wait.

Rey Mysterio defeated United States champion Samoa Joe in a really short match to win the title... even though Joe's shoulder was off the mat and thus shouldn't have counted. Joe appears to have a bloody nose, which probably explains why the match was so short. Joe then beats up Rey after the match and threatens Eddie's son Dominic, possibly leading to Dominic's wrestling debut somewhere down the line.

Shane McMahon defeated The Miz in a Steel Cage match where the finish saw Miz attempting to suplex Shane back inside the cage, but apparently Shane is so fucking sweaty that he slips out in Miz's gripe and falls on the floor. Fuck this match.

Yeah, that is all.

WWE Tony Nese defeated Ariya Daivari to retain the title in a thing that happened. I'll openly admit that I was making a sandwich while this was going on, so I have no thoughts. I'm sure it's fine; but the Cruiserweight division has been treated as such an afterthought that it's not worth the effort in rewatching.

Becky Lynch defeated Lacey Evans to retain her RAW Women's Championship in a finish where Lacey goes for a roll-up and the ref DOESN'T SEE IT. And then Becky hits her Disarmer submission to get Lacey to tap out. The match is nothing to write home about. And then Charlotte shows up and demands that Becky defend her Smackdown title right now, and Becky is annoyed, or shocked, or confounded... even though she WANTED to defend both belts. Maybe she should redub herself "THE GEEK!" So she and Baby Flair fight, Lacey manages to punch Becky while the ref isn't looking (or maybe he was, who the fuck knows?) and Baby Flair tries for a pin, but gets rolled up for two... thus making Lacey look weak because her supposed finish couldn't get the job done. Baby Flair hits Becky with a boot to win the title for the 9th time. Whatever.

And then the blonds beat up Becky before Bayley shows up and even the odds. She cashes in, hits an elbow on Baby Flair, and pins her for the title. Oh goodie, now we can look forward to Baby Flair and Bayley playing hot potato with the title for several months so that we can get Baby Flair to 20 championships because nepotism is such a beautiful thing.

Roman Reigns is WALKING and then Elias breaks a guitar on his back. Then Elias goes to the ring, plays some electric guitar, does his short concert gimmick, and starts to leave, but Roman shows up to chase Elias back tot the ring and hit him with an Aquaman punch and spear for the pinfall win. That felt like a complete and utter waste of time, but hey, at least it was short. And if nothing else, people were actually cheering Roman for once... so it got the job done.

Red Belt Champion Seth Rollins defeated AJ Styles to retain the title in what may very well the best match on the show.

The Racist Large Sullivan beats up a bunch of luchadores... sensitive training, indeed.

WWE World Heavyweight Champion Kofi Kingston defeated Kevin Owens to retain the title and I could not have given two shits about this match if they tried... and they certainly tried. It wasn't a bad match by any means, but I'd be lying if I said I cared about what happened in this match. God bless KO; he's one of my favorite guys to watch in this fucking company and can pull off some great stuff, but I never bought him as a credible threat to Kofi's title reign. It also doesn't help that despite a week where he had a great title match with Daniel Bryan as well as a rather strong showing in a three-way match, we're back to pancake-tossing Kofi Kingston who I can't take seriously whatsoever... only to have a graphic remind me that he is YOUR reigning WWE World Heavyweight Champion.

And then you have the Men's Money In The Bank match... featuring guys like Randy Orton, Mustafa Ali, Ricochet, Baron "The Reason For The Lack Of Ratings" Corbin, and three other guys whose names I forgot because they don't matter. None of them do. It's the same match every year with different faces; the little guys do flips and stuff before playing with their ladders... the type of shit WWE fans make fun of indy promotions for but cheer it on when it's done on their home promotion because they're the modern day Impact Zone audience. I like Randy picking off guys and slamming them on a table, who no sells a goddamn thing.

And so after all that, the guy who ends up winning it? Brock Lesnar, the mysterious attacker of Sami Zayn who shows up, casually pushes Ali off the ladder and busts him open while killing two cameramen, climbs up the ladder, grabs the briefcase, wins the match, and thus renders the past twenty minutes or so of action that saw a bunch of guys damn near kill themselves a complete and utter waste of time. But hey, at least Baron Corbin didn't win... so thank heavens for small favors, I suppose.

I suppose the consensus should suggest that I'd be upset by this turn of events, because it might lead to another potential Brock Lesnar title reign of some sort that has him defending the title twice a year. The thing is... I'm really not. Yeah, it sucks seeing a bunch of guys bust their asses in an attempt to put on a good show for the sake of one guy showing up at the last second to win the thing... and hey, good for Brock, who got the best reaction and the best pay for the least amount of work... the hope of any aspiring wrestling to be honest.

Fun Fact: Brock Lesnar has won a King Of The Ring, a Royal Rumble, and now adds Money In The Bank to complete the trifecta of gimmick title wins. I guess he could win the Mae Young Classic next if he wanted to.

So while I'm not a fan of seeing another Brock title reign, the finish itself was something different, at least. It wasn't good, but it was different. And here's the key thing... Brock Lesnar winning Money In The Bank might not be the best finish, but at least it'll be memorable. I barely remember who won last year's stupid briefcases, but I sure as hell will remember... actually, you know what? I take it back. No, I won't. But at the very least, it's something different. Not good, not interesting, but different... and at this moment, I'll settle for different for one night only, at least.

Of course, this has the side effect of not using the match to potential elevate or even create a new star that people could potential care about... not to mention the way poor Ali, who is just inches away from grabbing the briefcase, just freezes there starting ahead at this big guy running at him rather than be intelligent and, oh I don't know, GRAB THE BRIEFCASE, YOU DUMB FUCK! And then they wonder why nobody is watching their shitty TV.

So while the show as a whole was watchable and there wasn't anything (aside from Shane Vs. Miz) that was truly horrible, this was ultimately a one-match show and neither Ladder match counts in that regard. If you get a chance, check out the Seth/AJ match because it's the best match on the show, by far... and you could probably skip the rest unless you want to watch the usual stunt show ladder matches that bookend everything in between.

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