Wednesday, April 3, 2019

March To Wrestlemania X

So in addition to "The March To Wrestlemania IX" that I wrote about yesterday and didn't too much of, WWE Network also made available "The March To Wrestlemania X" special, which was the last push to one of the better Wrestlemania shows to bare the name. One has to wonder if the build to No. 10 would be better than the build to No. 9.

Welp, only one way to find out, I suppose.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon and... oh, hey, it's Johnny Polo. And your tableside commentators are apparently Gorilla Monsoon and... oh, hey, it's Sweet Stan Lane of all people. Go figure.

So Jim Cornette comes out to introduce Jimmy Del Ray, who may or may not be related to that Sara Del Ray person who's doing the training these days... okay, I tell a fib. However, here's what is NOT a fib; Jimmy Del Ray is a good dancer, which is essential in being a gigolo according to the WWF lawmakers or something. And out comes no. 1 contender Lex Luger, who's challenging for the title at Wrestlemania X against... oh, yeah, he didn't win the title. Oops.

Anyway, it's a fairly basic match. Lex is good guy, Jimmy is bad guy, Dr. Tom Pritchard bashes on Lex for a bit while Jimmy distracts the ref. Lots of back and forth before Lex makes the big comeback and beats him with the Torture Rack, which I'm surprised made it to WWF; I always figured he finished guys with the forearm. And then Lex whips Jimmy's ass with the tennis racket. Hey,

And then Yokozuna walks out to taunt Lex, teasing their eventual encounter at Mania... that Lex doesn't win the title at.

Bam Bam Bigelow beats some random job whose name I don't recall. Notable for the visible Monday Night RAW banner prevalent on the "hard cam" side of things... oh, and Gorilla Monsoon coining the phrase "Suplex City" long before Brock Lesnar was a thing, so that's another bit of unoriginality from the so-called "Beast." Other than that, not a particularly great match, but it wasn't boring, either.

We get a video package on then-WWF Women's Champion Alundra Blayze (Madusa) as she pumps irons and rides motorcycles... wow, I'm already looking forward to her title defense against Leilani Kai at Mania... (spoiler: she retains the title.)

We get a hype package for the two WWF Championship matches where champion Yokozuna defends the title first against Lex Luger and the winner of that match (Yoko) gets to lose the belt to Bret Hart... sorry if I spoiled the show for anybody.

Then there's an interview with "Native American Tatanka." Their words, not mine.

WWF Intercontinental Champion Razor Ramon defeated some other jobber whose name I don't remember to retain the title... because this was apparently a title match for the prestigiously disputed Intercontinental championship.

Johnny Polo is in the ring and interviews Owen Hart, who pleads to Crush not to hurt Bret too much in their upcoming match... save some for Owen. Owen is awesome. And then Little Richard is on TV for some reason... okay.

Earthquake defeated the masked Executioner in a couple minutes... meh.

We get the "Wrestlemania Report" with Todd Pentigil, who runs down the Wrestlemania card and we get a couple interview segments.

Crush defeated Bret "Hitman" Hart... way to put your big babyface over... or something. No, I kid. Bret had Crush in a roll-up, but the ref was distracted by Mr. Fuji and Owen came to roll the ball of humanity over so that Bret is the one who is pinned and loses the match. This... was a thing that happened.

Now we got Rhonda Shear... who's the guest timekeeper at Mania X. I should keep up with Hollywood names circa 1994... if I cared, of course, but I don't, so...

WWF Tag-Team Champions The Quebecers (Jacques Rougeau and the future PCO with their AWESOME Not-The-Mounties theme music) defeated two jobbers whose names I don't recall to retain the titles. Hey, if you want proper match recaps and names of guys who are treated as complete afterthoughts, go look elsewhere. I'm just telling it like I see it. All I know is that the match lasts a few minutes and then it's over... great, now I need to see more of the Quebecers... and also Superstars circa 1992 because the Mountie is on those.

Now we got a Macho Man interview taped earlier in the day to hype up his match against CRUSH, the man who beat Bret Hart on this here card. An interview where Randy is so emotionally invested in his upcoming match with Crush that I almost start getting excited and look forward to the match... actually, you know what? Rather than watch this year's Wrestlemania, I should go back and watch Wrestlemania X instead because fuck me, this is doing a far better job of getting me invested in this one (nothing) match than MONTHS WORTH OF TV building to today's two-decade long Wrestlemania card.

And in your main event, WWF champion Yokozuna defeated Native American Tatanka (BUFFALO!) in a non-title match that went way too long. Johnny Polo tries to lighten things up with his Sound Machine gimmick... but sorry, no.

One last push for Mania, followed by a Wrestlemania rap. Show over.

Well, that was a thing.

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