Wednesday, December 5, 2018

WCW Uncensored 2000

Welp, this is it... the last WCW Uncensored PPV.

You know this show is going to be a winner when the camera shows a fan with a sign that says "I'd Rather Be At Wrestlemania."

Sigh... let's get this fucker over with.

WCW Cruiserweight Champion Prince Iaukea (or rather, the Artist formerly known as Prince Iaukea... because he was doing the whole Prince gimmick where he was just a symbol or something) defeated an unmasked Psychosis to retain the title... I don't get where, when, or why 'Sis lost his mask at some point, but okay, whatever. This match did nothing for me.

Norman Smiley and the KISS Demon defeated Lenny Lane and Lodi (or Rave or whoever the fuck he's called) in another mean-nothing match that somehow did not get advertised as a "special main event" as stipulated by the KISS Contract.

The match between Bam Bam Bigelow and the Wall ended when the Wall chokeslammed Bigelow through a table with exploding monitors. And then David Flair and Crowbar show up to beat on the Wall to no avail. What the fuck am I watching here?

Brian Knobbs defeated 3 Count (Shane Helms and friends) to win the Hardcore title... it's a Hardcore match, lots of gimmicks and garbage cans are used. I don't mind the occasional hardcore match every once in a while because those tend to be stupid fun and this one certainly filled that criteria just fine. So there you go; a hardcore match between Brian Knobbs and a boy band is the best match I've seen on this show so far.

Booker (T) and Billy Kidman defeated Harlem Heat 2000 (comprising Stevie Ray and a largely obese Ahmed Johnson of WWF fame) in the first genuinely decent match on the show. Because that hardcore match set such a high bar for this fucking show. For those wondering, Booker lost the rights to Harlem Heat and also to the letter T, hence no T in Booker T. This didn't last long... and thank fuck for that.

Vampiro defeated Fit Finlay in a brawl that took them backstage, into the john, and into a room with red lighting and a lot of drunk fans. You know, I was expecting more of a fight out of this one and instead I get a tour of the arena disguised as a hardcore wrestling match. Nowhere near as good as the Knobbs match.

The Harris Brothers  defeated WCW World Tag-Team Champions the Mamalukes to win the titles. The less said about this match, the better.

Dustin Rhodes defeated Terry Funk in what started off as a Bullrope Match before morphing into an I Quit match before eventually becoming a normal match when Rhodes piledrove Funk into a bell and pinned him for the win. And then Dustin says he's gonna shit Funk's ass in a box before whipping him with the rope... What even the fuck is this?

Sting defeated Lex Luger in a terrible Lumberjack match... Nah, I'm not saying anything here... just end this fucking show already.

WCW World Champion Sid Vicious defeated US Champion Jeff Jarrett with an assist from Hulk Hogan to retain the title. After Scott Steiner shows up to beat up on Hulk Hogan for a bit (to a favorable crowd response), we go straight to the Apple Pie Strap match where Hulk Hogan, despite the horrendous Steiner beating, beats Ric Flair twice; once by pinning him and a second time by touching all four posts which is how you're supposed to win a fucking strap match.

And that's it. Show off. Thank fuck for that.

There's no nice way to go about it; Uncensored 2000 is a fucking terrible show. After sitting through a first half of mediocrity and a second half of some truly wretched and horrific matches featuring a whole bunch of old guys, that image of Sid in this post's banner properly conveys my reaction to this shitshow.

And that's the note we end the WCW Uncensored "franchise" on.


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