Wednesday, November 7, 2018

WCW Uncensored '96

A couple years ago, we covered the very first WCW Uncensored event from 1995; a "unique" concept PPV that would comprise nothing but gimmick matches and things of that nature, similar to the current day WWE Extreme Rules PPV concept, except somewhat goofier... I guess. NowI covered the '95 version since I had that on tape, but never got around to watching the remaining five editions of this series until I got access to the VOD aspect of the WWE Network. As such, we'll be looking at the remaining shows this month and... well, it'll be not boring... I hope.

Today's subject matter is WCW Uncensored 1996, home of the Doomsday Cage match where Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage take one EIGHT men in a triple decker cage!

WCW US champion Konnan defeated Eddie Guerrero with a timely kick to the 'nads to retain the title. A somewhat well-paced match with two timely fellows of similar skill sets of sorts. I give it twenty-seven stars or something.

Okay, in all seriousness, this was a fun little match. Nothing truly amazing or anything of the sorts; just a nice back-and-forth between two really good lucha guys and stuff... and that's about all I've got to say here, so... yep.

The Belfast Brawler (a.k.a. Fit Finlay) defeated Lord Steven (William) Regal via DQ when Regal's lackeys, the Bluebloods, came in for the interference and we had a bit of a clustermuck in this (not as severe as a clusterfuck, which is totally different.) Minus the rather underwhelming finish, this was a good old-fashioned brawl between two Euro brawlers who brawled as much as they could and then the Brits came in to ruin the whole thing. As far as "technical" wrestling goes, it's not much, but for a stiff fight, this was quite a fun ride.

We have a match between Colonel Robert Parker (that dude with the white hat whose name isn't Jim Ross) and Madusa (the former WWF Women's champion who dumped the belt in the trash) that I promptly fast-forward through. From what I've heard, I didn't miss much but Parker got the win on this one due to some shenanigans. Whatever.

The Booty Man (a.k.a. Brother Bruti The Butcher Beefcake Hogan BFF) defeated Diamond Dallas Page in a "retirement" match thanks to a timely slap to DDP from DDP's then-wife Kimberly... I say "retirement" in quotations because DDP i. And he would have better matches than this because this was a sloth to go through. Ran too long, was very boring, and poor Kimberly deserved better than to be stuck with Ed Leslie... then again, DDP deserved better even during the early phase of his wrestling career.

The Giant (a.k.a. Big Show) defeated Loch Ness in roughly a couple minutes that lasted a couple years. Loch Ness, for those who don't know, is a rather big dude who can't do much and it's rather hard to watch. Fortunately, this never reaches the length or absurdity of something like Antonio Inoki beating the crap out of the Great Antonio (nobody is going to get that) and Giant would recover from this somewhat lame match by beating Ric Flair for the WCW World title some time later.

Sting and Booker T defeated the Road Warriors in a "Chicago Street Fight" taking place in Tupelo, OK... sure, whatever. Why Sting and Booker T were paired up, I will never know (Booker was teaming with Stevie Ray at this time and Sting was buddies/feuding/whatevering with Lex Luger, who's part of the main event for some reason,) however I do know that a half-hour Tupelo Chicago Street Fight somehow dragged for way too long. The only part that I liked was when coffee was spilled over Luger backstage and he started beating up one of the Old Warriors while the match was ending up front.

And then we eventually get to the Doomsday Cage match and... oh boy, this is ever the clusterfuck that people have said it would be. You have Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage taking on EIGHT opponents in this triple-decker cage that's by the entryway as opposed to being set-up in the ring, which must really SUCK for the audience who had to tilt their heads towards this fucking monstrosity that's over at the other side. Not that it's any better for anyone watching this at home because the lighting in the cage is piss poor, making it difficult to see exactly what the fuck is going on here.

For the purposes of clarity, your eight-man anti-Hulkamania alliance comprises Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Kevin Sullivan, Meng (a.k.a. Haku), the Barbarian, Z-Ganster (a.k.a. Tiny Lister, who played ZEUS in the cinematic classic, NO HOLDS BARRED), and the Ultimate Solution, who was originally dubbed the Final Solution, which brings back bad memories to anyone who was Jewish, lived in Germany, and had to endure the Holocaust. Great job, WCW. No wonder these clowns went out of business.

So they try to explain the rules of this stupid cage where they start on top with 2-on-2 and then as Hogan and Savage make their way to the bottom, more opponents are added to the mix and... oh god, my head hurts just writing about this stupid thing. Imagine the migraines and tension headaches I had to endure in attempting to watch and digest this horse manure. I might've actually been hit with that frying pan that's been tossed around numerous times.

After a half hour of fighting in a cage with shit lighting, Luger accidently knocks Flair out with a loaded glove and just as Hogan and Savage make their way out of the cage, Savage suddenly remembers to dive for the pin on Flair to officially win the match and end this shitshow once and for all. Thank fucking god.

For anyone who suggested that people need to see this match for its so-called "so bad it's good" quality... fuck right the fuck off.

As for the show itself, you had a good U.S. title match and a rather brutal (in a good way) fistfight before the show goes to shit with boring matches, lame matches, and that fucking piece of shit Doomsday match. If there was any positive to be had here, it was only three hours at most. And that's fine by me.

So not quite a good show this time around... maybe next year'll be better.

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