Friday, September 14, 2018

WWF In Your House 5 (December 1995 PPV)

After that amazing Survivor Series PPV that brought an end to the Diesel World title reign thanks to Bret Hart, we bring the 1995 string of WWF Pay-Per-View events to a close with the fifth In Your House event, with a new champion and a new direction that eventually involves a Tony Stark match or something.

xxx. The backstory was that Kid and Razor were buddies before Kid turned on Razor and joined Ted DiBiase's Million Dollar Corporation that wouldn't last long because he'd trade that for a ringmaster of sorts and so that's why he's with Sid. Now why Razor is paired with Marty rather than someone like, say, Shawn is another story entirely. Maybe it would've made for a better match instead of what we got here because JESUS CHRIST, THIS MATCH IS BORING. Lots of chinlocks, lots of me not giving a shit. This match is the very definition of the drizzling shits, with only digressions to the back where Goldust would be at his homoerotic creepiest.

Ahmed Johnson defeated "Nature Boy" Buddy Landel in 30 seconds with his power bomb thing. Next.

Hunter defeated Henry O Godwinn in a Hogpen match where the goat was to dump your opponent into a hogpen... you know what, I tell a lie; this match is the very definition of the drizzling shits. And you can take that either literally or figuratively. Either way works.

Owen Hart defeated Diesel via DQ when Diesel killed the referee. This was shortly after Owen's kick that put HBK on the shelf and so Diesel wanted revenge or something. The whole point was to give Diesel a meaner edge; something that didn't quite work here, but he'd eventually get at the Rumble. As a match, this was nothing. As an angle... just as much.

And then we have Santa Claus show up, receive a bit of taunting from Ted Dibiase before Savio Vega shows up. And then Santa turns on Savio while Vince McMahon is crying on commentary, as if somebody shat in his ICOPRO or something. Dibiase would then that this isn't Santa Claus, but rather Xanta Klaus... and I'm just "Whatever, fuck. This sucks."

For anyone who cares, Xanta Claus was portrayed by future ECW Original Balls Mahoney. I guess he fit the suit.

Undertaker defeated King Mabel in a boring casket match. I'm practically falling asleep just writing about this fucking thing, so you can imagine how I must have felt watching it.

And in our main event (and let's be honest; pretty much the only GOOD match to be found on this entire fucking card), WWF Champion Bret Hart defeated British Bulldog to retain the title with a finish that was suggested by a young Chris Jericho.

Much like the previous In Your House, this was a one-match show where the one match was pretty good and the rest of it was the drizzling shits and this is how we're closing WWF PPVs in 1995. And thank fuck for that.

I'm miserable... I'm so miserable that I'm going to spread the misery on to all of you. Next month, it's back to 2003 where we finish off the remaining PPVs and stuff.

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