Monday, August 20, 2018

WWF Summerfest 2018

So, I was debating as to whether I was going to see the big PPV yesterday, but figured why not? Nothing better to do on a Sunday night with massive stomach aches, so let's begin, shall we?

WWF Light Heavyweight Champion Sixpack Kidd defeated Hardcore Sparky Plugg in a no-holds-barred midcard on a pole match to retain the title. There was a moment where Plugg was able to grab onto to the card and attempted to use it as a weapon, but Kidd's partner B.R. Dogg came and took the card out of his hands, allowing Kidd to hit the Kidd Factor for the pinfall win.

In an effort to waste time, they showed a skit of chef Gordon Ramsay sampling the New Day's various food products. In short, he thought the cereal was fucking disgusting, the ice cream was the equivalent of dog vomit, and the pancakes tasted like cow tongues. We skipped to the point where Chef Ramsay introduced the new New Day menu, which featured delicious crab cakes, creamy risotto, and lots of lamb sauce. Unfortunately, the New Day eventually went back to their shitty pancakes that nobody wants. This whole segment lasted longer than a typical episode of Kitchen Nightmares.

The match between newly-minted Big Time Wrestling World champion Kevin Nash under his old Diesel gimmick and the Knox County Mayor-elect Kane under his New Diesel gimmick never took place, as Nash tore a quad on his way to the ring. In response, Kane set Jim Ross on fire and made sure to shill his BBQ sauce.

In a rematch for the ages, former WCW head honcho and RAW General Manager Eric Bischoff defeated WWE Chairman Vincent K. McMahon via countout when McMahon no showed the event. There were rumors that McMahon didn't want to be on TV due to his dwindling physique and this only added to those rumors. Bischoff feigned disappointment at the end result, saying he even dyed his hair for this one occasion. Said Bischoff: "But I guess I gotta wash this shit off and stuff down that R.D. fellow's throat."

Former WWF Light Heavyweight champion Gillberg defeated WWF Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho with interference from the Brooklyn Brawler and Abe "Knuckleball" Scwartz to win the title. Jericho immediately challenged Gillberg to a rematch and soon won the title, making Gillberg's reign as champion the shortest reign in IC title history. Jericho then puts Gillberg on his stupid list because that's a thing that needed to exist.

WWF Champion The Rock circa 1999 defeated The Rock circa 2015 to retain the title. Between the entrances, the long promo battle where '99 Rock laid the verbal smack on Dwayne, and the eyebrow contest lasted a collective 40 minutes. And then the match happened and ended in 2 minutes. Lame.

And in the main event, Stone Cold Steve Austin defeated Mr. Fly in the grudge match of the 21st century. The match lasted about forty-five seconds, as Mr. Fly sped around the ring for a bit with a couple stings along the way before Austin whacked Mr. Fly with a giant fly swatter. One Kick Wham Stunner later, Mr. Fly was looking at the perty likes. A pretty short main event all things considered that didn't live up to the original Austin/Mr. Fly match from years ago, but it was fun while it lasted.

All in all, this was a pretty lame show with a lot of bullshit matches... but at the very least, it was mildly entertaining fluff.

What? You thought I was going to talk about something else?




Okay, fine. For anyone who actually gives a shit, I did watch some of Summerslam... but only up until the WWE title match before calling it a night. From what I saw, the Styles/Joe match was the real highlight while the rest just happened. I have some semblance of a write-up in the works, but it's not going up until I can muster the strength to sit through the rest of the show at a later date.

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