WWE Summerslam 2018

Yeah, well... I have a life, you know. I ain't sitting down for a long-ass four-hour PPV every month just to fill up post count. I've got plenty of lazy doodles off my phone I could upload for that.

So I watched some of Summerslam, right up to the WWE Championship match and that's probably the only way I could go on with this WWE PPV business if I remember there was a PPV going on. And then as the week went along, I'd watch the rest of the show... took me a couple shots to get through the whole thing, but I did it. This is probably the only way I could watch these long-ass shows going forward, but

DAY ONE (Monday, August 20th)

Seth Rollins (accompanied by the return Dean Ambrose) defeated WWE Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler (accompanied by Drew McIntyre) in the opening contest to win the title. Once again, fan favorite the CLOCK wasn't featured in this match and is presumably buried by management to prevent fans for cheering for someone they actually like. I'm hoping that with Rollins winning the title back, we can move on to something else, but I'm afraid this feud is going to continue another month or so. Yeah, it was a good match and all, but I've long since stopped caring and I'd like to see these guys do something else for a change.

The New Day defeated Smackdown Tag-Team Champions The Blungeon Brothers via DQ when Rowan started attacking with a mallet. Perfectly acceptable tag-team wrestling match, nothing really special. I'd imagine they'd want these guys in a cell next month and I guess that would be interesting if not completely pointless.

Braun Strowman defeated Kevin Owens in a short, one-sided squash. Complete waste of time. Next.

Charlotte Flair defeated Smackdown Women's Champion Carmella and Becky Lynch to win the title... and then gets beat up by Becky. I'm guessing this was supposed to be a "heel turn" and everyone is supposed to boo Becky for beating up Charlotte... but instead, everyone cheers because the crowd were smart to realize that Charlotte was inserted at the last minute and Becky wasn't going to get her moment to shine. And I agree wholeheartedly. I wouldn't be surprised if Charlotte lost the belt and won in back 20 more times before the end of the decade just to spite the fanbase. Fine, she's a talented athlete and all that, but Becky has more personality and is a bit easier on the eyes. And Carmella... Carmella... well, at least she's not champ anymore, I guess. And that means the quality of the matches will go up, because fuck knows I have to find SOME reason to care about these women beyond the marketing rubbish.

Samoa Joe defeated WWE Champion AJ Styles via DQ when Styles hit Joe with a chair after Joe made some advances towards his wife and daughter. Styles hit Joe a few more times before going over to his family and apologize. The kid notes that "Daddy's bleeding." Styles had a paper cut, which is still more tasteful than Rock smashing Foley with a chair in front of Foley's kids or Raven grating Dreamer's face in front of his kids or Shane doing a stupid stunt off a Cell in front of his kids or... you know what? AJ's the good Christian kid who kept his bleeding to a minimum and it looked like a legit cut, not 39.4 on the Muta Scale or whatever.

I liked this match. It's weird to see a match that has taken place countless times in TNA redone in the form of a WWE Championship match... and probably due to this point, they're placed this towards the first half of the show rather than towards the end. And while the "drama" bits with AJ's family means I'd be better off watching their old TNA matches (or wait for their Hell In A Cell rematch), they gave us a good match as good as any... and with that, I close out this session of viewing.

I'll watch the rest somewhere down the line.

DAY TWO (Thursday, August 23rd)

The Miz defeated Daniel Bryan Danielson with an assist from Maryse, who slipped Mike an international object to steal the win. I liked this match; it was conceived for the sole purpose of Daniel Bryan Danielson getting to punch Miz in the face and he did that. He didn't win, but he got to punch Miz in the face and don't we all want to punch Miz in the face? I don't know if I'd say this was the best match on the show; I enjoyed the WWE title match a little more in retrospect. But certainly a good way to start my second session of Summerslam viewing.

Finn Balor defeated Baron Corbin in another quick match... but not just plain ol' Finn Balor, but THE DEMON Finn Balor. The lighting, the paint, the streamer hair, the works... it's a cool visual to say the least that has me really pumped... and then we cut to Baron Fucking Corbin realize that this is a waste of a really hot gimmick. Oh well, at least the match was short.

And then the next of RAW, Baron Corbin is made acting-GM. Talk about failing upwards.

United States Champion Shinsuke Nakamura defeated Jeff Hardy to retain the title. Randy Orton then showed up afterwards... and did nothing of note before walking to the back. That was weird. This match did nothing for me, really, which is surprising because I would've thought a Naka/Jeff match would've been a fun little thing. I mean, it was alright and all, but I don't know. Maybe my expectations were a little higher than the usual low expectations I had going into this show. At least, it wasn't bad; that's my only real takeaway.

All that's left are the two co-main events that I care nothing about... so I guess I'll save those for another day.

DAY THREE (Saturday, August 25th)

Ronda Rousey (wearing some hideous face paint that tries to make her look more intimidating, but I couldn't help but laugh) defeated RAW Women's Champion Alexa Bliss to win the title in a relatively short match. Then the Bellas show up to embrace Ronda and everybody boos... because god forbid we can't have poor Ronda get all the spotlight. Meanwhile, the announcers are pissing themselves over at all the eventual mainstream press this will end up getting... well, at least they're honest about Ronda's WWE career being a glorified publicity stunt.

Rousey getting the title was an inevitability; it was going to happen whether people wanted it or not. The best thing I can say about the Rousey run is that at the very least, she looks like she knows what she's doing and she could be a genuine big deal in WWE, not just a manufactured one. I just wish they'd give me a reason to care beyond her UFC sports entertainment career because as someone who doesn't care about MMA and someone who isn't sold by what people are calling a death stare, going by that alone isn't enough for a selling point for me to care. Even this whole Horsewoman vs. Horseperson horsefaced horseshit that they're teasing does nothing for me. Certainly doesn't help that Rousey's next big program for their upcoming women's PPV is going to be Nikki Bella of all people.

I don't know... maybe I'm sour that they fucked up Asuka so that their stunt signing and nepotism-fueled booking can look really, really strong.

And speaking of making things look really, really strong, Roman Reigns FINALLY defeats Red Belt champion Brock Lesnar to win the red belt and put this fucking storyline to bed once and for all. Now Brock can fuck off to UFC and Roman can do... whatever the fuck he usually does. They teased a Braun Strowman cash-in before the match so that people would have something to cheer, but Brock nixed that possibility before eating a spear. Fuck it, whatever. We're done here.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This year's Summerslam was four hours long, which is a bit surprising. I hear people give this show high marks and to be fair, other than maybe one or two nibbles, this was, at worst, very average fare. At best, it was a significant level above the last two WWE PPVs that I've had to suffer through this year and I think watching the show in batches rather than try to sit through this in one viewing certainly helped. Regardless, while the emotional investment and general interest was lacking on my part, it was a largely okay show.