Wednesday, May 16, 2018

WWE Summerslam 2003

Yeah, I'm in the mood to put this year behind us, so let's get through Summerslam 2003 now rather than wait for August because I just want to be done with WWE 2003.

Summerslam 2003 would host the second-ever Elimination Chamber... and that's something to look forward to. Unfortunately - and this is not much of a spoiler at this point - the Elimination Chamber would need a couple more tries before it gets to be really, really good. Suffice it to say that we are not quite there yet.

We open the show with a Marine holding out a flag while Lillian Garcia sings the U.S. National Anthem. I forgot how much of a lovely voice Lillian has. Honestly, I forgot how much of a lovely voice in general Lillian had.

Raw Tag-Team Champions La Resistance defeated El Dudleyz to retain the title with the assistance of a cameraman. The Dudleys carried their own American flag and this is supposed to be the big patriotic push making America great or something... and then they lose to the "evil Frenchmen" instead. Gazooks indeed.

Undertaker defeated future NXT trainer Jason "A-Train" Albert with a chokeslam. Just as he's about to powerbomb poor Baldo, we have Brock Lesnar's Future Wife Sable come out a give Taker a backrub... and then Steph shows and we have a catfight. And ladies and gentleman, if there's any one thing on this planet Earth will make me a bonafide asexual man, it would be a catfight between Rena Lesnar and Nipple H. Gazooks en masse.

Shane McMahon defeated Uncle Eric in a pure comedy match that had Jonathan Coachman turn heel by whacking Shane with a chair and then Stone Cold comes out and gets touched by people, which means he gets to stunner everyone since he's been physically provoked. A complete and utter waste of time that served only to build to Shane's obligatory elbow through a table. Gagagagzoooooookkkssss!!!!

U.S. Champion Eddie Guerrero defeated Rhyno, Chris Binoet, and Tajiri in a four-corners Tornado match to retain the title. After three mostly dull or bad matches, we actually have one that doesn't earn a Gazooks from me. A bit slow at times due to the dead spots and stuff, but this was fairly entertaining fare. And I will leave it at that because then I'd be killing the whole Gazooks gimmick.

WWE Champion Kurt Angle defeated Brock Lesnar despite Vince McMahon's attempts to aid Brock to retain the title and get his Wrestlemania win back. Angle then slams Vince through a chair for good measure. This was probably a step down from their great Wrestlemania match, but still pretty good stuff and at least Brock didn't kill himself here. Brock would eventually win back the title a month or so later in an Iron Man match on Smackdown.

Kane defeated Rob Van Dam in a no-holds-barred match. This was shortly after Kane was unmasked and ended up setting Jim Ross on fire, and yet here is JR being a professional because that's what he is. Kane winning was a foregone conclusion, but the brawl was fun to watch and RVD was in his element here.

World Champion McSon-In-Law defeated Goldberg and four other jabronies who don't matter in an Elimination Chamber match to retain the title in the most convoluted and bullshit finish to ever bullshit a finish. And let's not kid ourselves; it doesn't matter if Shawn Michaels was in there, or Chris Jericho, or Kevin Nash, or whoever. The only end game people wanted and were anticipating was Goldberg being unleashed, being the dominant monster he should've been from the start, and putting an end to McSon-In-Law's agonizing title reign. Instead we got Goldberg eating sledgehammer and McSon-In-Law retaining. And then we have Evolution show up and handcuff ol' Billy to beat him up some more, because that's what people want.

Fuck me, this was an absolutely dreadful ending to an otherwise mediocre show. In hindsight, this wasn't as bad as I remembered with the Smackdown stuff being really solid stuff. Thing is you have to sit through a couple real shitty matches before getting to the good stuff and then just as you were into the stuff, they shit the bed with a bad ending that soured the whole thing.

So... yeah, that was a thing.

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