Monday, May 7, 2018

WWE Backlash 2018

So I ended up watching Backlash after all and holy balls, it wasn't a ten-hour marathon as feared, but your usual three and a half hour borefest... well, it's something, I guess.

(Full disclosure; I wrote that intro BEFORE the show began and it turns out I wasn't far off the mark. Even so, these idiots need to time themselves better because nothing they do these days is worth three hours of my night, let alone anything over that number.

But, I digress. On with the show, I suppose.

Intercontinental champion Seth Rollins defeated the Miz to retain the title and keep Miz on Smackdown for the foreseeable future because we really need that Miz vs. Bryan match down the line. Not much to say here; it was a nice little opener that had Seth ramming his knee into the ring post and the tail end of the match focused on the knee being in bad shape. Simple story, but it works and I enjoyed it. (Little did I know it at the time, but this would be the best match on the card by a considerable margin.)

Raw Women's Champion Nia Jax defeated Alexa Bliss to retain the title... and despite the fact that Nia Jax is supposed to be the hero of our story, I find myself rooting for the 12-year-old who comes off as more of an underdog. That's what happens you have a ten-minute long match of a little person going up against a big person when it should really be a minute or so of the big person decisively killing the little person.

United States champion Jeff Hardy defeated Randy Orton to retain the title, which explains why Randy was running on low gear, a.k.a. methodically.

We then get an Elias segment, who tries to sing a song; only to get interrupted by the New Day, Rusev Day, Aiden English, Jean Paul Francais, No Way Jose, Titus O'Neill (who surprising did NOT slip up at any point), and eventually gets DDT'ed by Booby Roode because sure, why not? This was stupid; I just want a nice Elias performance and I got all these morons keeping me from an award-winning performance by Elias. And to all these fumb ducks saying this was entertaining crap, I hope you choke on your pancakes, pal.

Daniel Bryan Danielson defeated Big Cass via submission, which prompted Cass to beat up poor Bryan in retaliation because he is a sore loser. Also, nobody gives a shit about Big Cass and I'm happy to see somebody at Creative realized this because I had a fear that they were going to have the bland as fuck Big Cass (who should've been dubbed the son of Big Show... the joke is RIGHT THERE!) win this one. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed. Anyway, this was a thing that happened and, well, it's not a dream match for Bryan, but it was a thing that happened.

Smackdown Women's Champion Carmella defeated Charlotte Flair in the designated bathroom break match to retain the title... no, really, I was in the jane while this match was happening and thus only caught the last couple minutes. Sadly, I didn't care enough to rewatch the match, although I will say this; Charlotte ended Asuka's undefeated streak at Wrestlemania and her big follow-up is losing clean to Carmella? Gazooks, indeed.

The No-DQ match between WWE World champion AJ Styles and Shinsuke Nakamura ended in a double-countout when both guys kicked each other in the nads; Styles retains the title. Bad enough they did this finish a week, but to do it again the second time around? That takes balls... no pun intended. I swear they're pushing me to subscribe to that New Japan service to watch their WrestleKingdom match. I mean, how hard is it to recreate what they did there (which was supposedly really good) and have them do it here? Are the creative monkeys at WWE so decidedly stupid that the only thing they could come up with is double-countout finishes two weeks in a row?

"But how was the match?" you ask. And I swear, "Who gives a fuck about the match when the ending is so goddamn stupid it kills whatever goodwill that came before it?!"

Bobby Lashley and Braun Strowman defeated Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn due to bickering Quebecois. KO gets a beating and Sami does nothing... well, that was a match that happened.

By the way, we have surpassed the 11:00 mark, which means Roman is main-eventing... well, I'm done for the night. I'll finish the rest of this tomorrow when I catch one of the many replays playing tomorrow.

And in the main event, Roman Reigns defeated Samoa Joe... full disclosure, I wrote that long before the match even took place and turns out I was on the money. And you know what? He couldn't beat Brock Lesnar, but at least he can beat Samoa Joe because THIS TIME FOR SURE. See, it's hard for me to care about this match when I know Roman is going to win and be a major focus. If anything, anytime I hear arguments about how staying the course will make people care about Roman, I have to laugh because after not one, but TWO opportunities for Roman to win "the big one" because THIS TIME FOR SURE, I am done taking Roman Reigns seriously as a potential top guy or franchise player. The aura of believability is dead and buried when it comes to Roman and anything they do from this point forward... sorry, but I can't buy into it. Not happening, pal.

In fairness, I was wrong to call Roman Reigns the Lex Luger of our generation... because Lex Luger might've choked at the big one, at the very least, he got a COUNTOUT victory. Poor Roman didn't even get that much.

This was a waste of a Sunday night. Nothing happened, there was no reason to care, the wrestling was just there, and this whole show was a colossal waste of time. And that's the second one in two weeks that feels like a colossal waste of time. The difference between GRR and this show was that GRR felt more like a really long house show that was hampered by the overhype while Backlash was more of a shit show where no shits were given and would've fit in nicely with anything coming out of WWE circa 2003.

So I guess I'm skipping the next couple PPVs until Summerslam. Just as well...

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