Wednesday, April 25, 2018

WWE Judgment Day 2003

I've got a headache and this isn't making it any better.

In any event, it's another month in 2003 and that means another shitty WWE PPV. And despite the lukewarm debut of Billy Goldberg, he is nowhere to be found on this shitshow of a PPV. I don't know if that's a sign or anything, but I don't think he would've made the show any better.

For context, we are a year into the original brand split between RAW and Smackdown, with Triple H reigning as World Champ (represented by the famous Big Gold belt) and Brock Lesnar reigning as WWE Champion. Your RAW General Managers comprise Eric Bischoff and Stone Cold Steve Austin and your Smackdown GM is Nipple H herself, Stephie Mac.

Speaking of Stone Cold, here comes Steve Austin to kick off the show with a quick promo about how we'll be seeing a great show and that he'll be watching from the cheap seats. Not even 5-10 minutes and they're already hitting us with blatant lies, as the "cheap seats" Austin will be watching the show from turns out to be a skybox and as far as a "great show" is concerned... oh boy, I'm

John Cena, Johnny The Bull, and Chuck Palumbo defeated Chris Benoit, Rhyno, and Spanky (that's THE BRIAN KENDRICK to you fucking worthless millenials) in a six man match that exists purely so that we can have a six-man tag. Stamboli and Palumbo, along with Nunzio (a.k.a. Little Guido of ECW fame) form the WWE version of the FBI. Despite being a six-man tag match, it went by quickly - about four minutes tops.

We see Steve Austin in said skybox - the cheap seats, he calls them - and then comes Eric Biscoff who complains about everything being fifty. I'm going to skip over these bits because the pay is Austin making a fool of Uncle Eric and I'm sure you can find Youtube clips of this stuff that can display the stupidity and give it more justice visually than I ever could with the written word. Besides, I usually just fast-forward this crap.

La Resistance defeated Test & Scott Steiner... La Resistance comprises Quebecois Sylvain Grenier (last seen posing as a WWE referee months ago) and Rene Dupree, who still has spots because he's only 19 at the time. The following month La Resistance would win the tag titles while Test and Big Poppa Pump fought over Stacy Kiebler... I'm not quite sure who got the better deal on that one, so I leave it up to you.

Eddie Guerrero and Tajiri (subbing in for an injured Chavo Guerrero) defeated Smackdown Tag Team champions Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas in a ladder match to win the title. I distinctly remember Eddie and Tajiri being a good comedy duo for backstage bits and while this match would've been better with Chavo in there, Tajiri makes a nice substitute... also, Chavo never does the cool looking green mist thing, which was instrumental in Eddie grabbing the titles, so that's a thing. Anyway, this was a fun match with some nice spots here and there, but all the slow bits really slowed the match down.

Next up we have a battle royal for the Intercontinental championship that's won by Christian. It's a battle royal that sets up the short feud between Booker T and Christian over the title and that's fine by me, I suppose. What's not fine is the ref getting knocked out and Booker T tossing Christian to win the title, but because the ONE REF is knocked out, the win doesn't count. So Captain Charisma grabs the belt, whacks Booker with it, ref wakes up and sees Christian toss Booker over. Match over. Nothing like a good-ol' fashioned Dusty Finish to sour my day.

And then we have a bikini contest between Torrie Wilson and Sable. The announcers call it a tie, but Sable got the louder reaction due to her much small bikinis. I'd really like to know the circumstances regarding Sable's return to the company; what with that sexual allegations lawsuit thing that caused her to leave back in 99. Goes to show if Brock Lesnar's future wife can come back... nah, I don't want to entertain the thought.

And then we have Roddy Piper vs. Mr. America and OH FUCK OFF.

*ahem* Let me backtrack for a bit.

Hulk Hogan made his return to WWE in 2003 and eventually got a match against Vince McMahon at Wrestlemania XIX. The following Thursday on Smackdown, McMahon sends Hogan home and that's the end of that, I suppose. And then, these promos for a new talent called Mr. America start playing and it turns out to be Hulk Hogan in a mask coming out to Real American and acting like Hulk Hogan but denying that it's Hulk Hogan so Piper challenges Mr. American Made to match and my fucking head hurts just talking about this shit.

So we have a match involving two old guys who have no business in the ring play fighting each other. I found it sad to see Piper and Lawler go at it in 94. I found it sad to watch Hogan and Piper go at it in 96. And now watching these guys go at in 2003... I would've been more irritated and angered at watching two old guys "wrestle" a shit match when I could've been watching a match between two guys I actually did like watching in 2003... you know, like a GOLDBERG match.

Age doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter. There were and are guys in their forties and fifties who can still go. Even a step lower isn't a mood killer. But when two guys of advanced age are having a comedy match that wasn't intended to be a comedy match and can't deliver the goods they used to deliver, it really kills the aura of their legendary status or something. Sorry, but... no.

For anyone who gives a fuck, Mr. America defeated Roddy Piper in a shit match... so shit was this match that I think it outshits their Age In The Cage match in WCW years prior. Hell, their non-cage matches in WCW are seemingly a step above where they were after having watched this shitfest.

Both Piper and Hogan would be gone from WWE in a few months; Piper due to his appearance in a documentary focusing on the dark side of wrestling, and Hogan due to another contract dispute.

Kevin Nash defeated World champion McSon-In-Law via disqualification after McSon-In-Law kept whacking referees with his sledgehammer so that we can continue this shitfest of a feud to another PPV. This was painful to watch.

Women's champion Jazz defeated Trish Stratus, Victoria, and whoever else in a Fatal Four Way match to retain the title. Too short, didn't care. Only notable point (I dare not call it a highlight) is Trish getting tossed over the top rope and landing face-first on the floor. I cringed watching that and that's probably why there was no women's match on the next PPV. Other than that, however, this was forgettable.

WWE Champion Brock Lesnar defeated Big Slow in a Stretcher match that saw Brock use a forklift to carry Big Slow's carcass to the finish line and retain the title. After the last stretch of awfulness, we needed a nice little palette cleanser and this sure as hell wasn't it. However, compared to what came before, this was tolerable to say the least and whenever you bring a forklift into a match, at the very least, I'll give it a nice chuckle over it. So there you go... a happy ending.

And the 2003 shit train continues with Judgment Day. With the sole exception of the ladder match - perhaps the ONLY good thing to come out of this show, this was a complete and utter waste of time. And that's all I've got to say about that match.

I consider this write-up over.

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