Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Royal Ramble: 1994

Skipping ahead to 1994 here...

For those who don't know... this is home to the only instance where the Royal Rumble had co-winners and there's a reason why they never did this again... because it was stupid. It was so stupid that when the same thing happened years later (not on purpose), they restarted the match. But setting that aside... there's the rest of the show and, well, let's get into it.

In our opening contest, Tatanka defeated Bam Bam Bigelow in a pretty decent little match... minus the bear hug that seemingly took forever, but other than that, can't complain too much about this one. Bam Bam was as good as he ever was and Tatanka... was Tatanka. Buffalo. Good enough to get me in a good mood for the show and that makes me happy.

Tag-Team champions The Quebecers defeated Bret and Owen Hart to retain the titles. This is the match where Bret and Owen teamed for a bit and Bret refused to tag in Owen because he wanted to win the match for himself despite having a bad wheel and that's why Owen kicked Bret's leg from under his leg or something. Hindsight being 20/20, I'm with Owen on this one. You have a perfectly healthy and able tag partner who's ready to go and give you a breather, but you decide to go on because you're an idiot. NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE ABOUT YOU, YOU IDIOT!

However, if Bret hadn't been so selfish, Owen would've helped and we wouldn't have had that awesome brother vs. brother match at Wrestlemania 10... and that would've been a shame because who would want to sit through 1994 with Lex Luger as WWF Champion?

Intercontinental champion Razor Ramon defeated IRS to retain the title in a match where a raised foot by Razor DIDN'T STOP IRS from dropping a nice little elbow from the top... also a run-in from Shawn that allowed IRS to score the pin, but sadly, that IRS/HBK match never happened because the ref was smartened up by another ref, the match was restarted, and Razor hit the Edge on IRS to retain. This was a thing that happened and not much else.

WWF Champion Yokozuna defeated Undertaker in the world's most shittiest Casket match (up to that point, at least) with the help of several jobbers and whatnots to retain the title. This would be followed by a bit where Undertaker would cut a quick promo on video before "exploding" and ascending to the heavens... complete with dummy Undertaker to write him off TV in the most convoluted fashion (up to that point.) You want to say that this is the worst thing that WWF has ever done, but sadly, they'd come up with even more stupid things for both Undertaker and in general.

My mind is actually blank on this one and that surprised me a bit. This is just one of those things that I thought I'd have more to talk about, but really, nothing here could bring up the words that makes this whole thing worthwhile. In the minds of many, Undertaker is a legend and deservedly so, but it's not because of his longevity or his ability to constantly reinvent himself or even his "streak" that made him an icon; it was his ability to sit through bullshit like this. And they tossed a TON of fucking bullshit at the poor guy.

The Royal Rumble match ends when both Bret Hart and Lex Luger are eliminated. Video evidence would show that Luger hit the floor first, but because he was the chosen one at the time, he and Bret would be dubbed co-winners of the 1994 Royal Rumble; a finish so fucking stupid and retarded (yes, it's that bad) that when a similar incident took place in 2005, the match was restarted to get the one guy left standing and prevent another stupid incident from happening like that. Now just try getting a split finish like that with Roman Reigns and people would do some lynching.

And if this spiel were on Twitter, I'd be banned... and I'd be okay with it because I hardly ever use Twitter.

Aside from the sour ending, this was a pretty good Rumble. It made me question things such as why a peripheral player like MO (Don't know MO? Don't blame you) or Sparky Bob Hardcore Plug Holly lasted as long as they did, it showed off Diesel in a big way that made him look like an imposing force who could dominate for a good long time (and that didn't quite happen, but it's nice to think otherwise), and we even got Greg Valentine in a one-off appearance... and you have to wonder why Valentine is thinking when word got to him about the women having a rumble of their own.

All in all, this Rumble showing was a mixed bag. You had a decent tag title match that set up for the future, a pretty good Rumble with an otherwise flaky ending, and even that opener put the show on to a good start, but anything in between was either just there or just abysmal and so you have this middle part that isn't really worth it.

You know what? I enjoyed more than I disliked on this show, so I'd say it's okay... but that's really faint praise at best.

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