Monday, October 9, 2017

WWE Hell In A Cell 2017

Oh lookie, another WWE PPV I completely forgot about.

But it's not my fault. I blame Discovery. Hey, did you know this new starship has spinning saucers? It further lends credence to my theory that this was intended to be a pizza cutter or something, but I digress.

Won't be long with this one. In fact, I've so little to say about this show that didn't interest me in the slightest that it changed the way I watch PPVs from this point forward.

The Usos defeated Smackdown Tag-Team champions The New Day in a Hell In A Cell match to win the titles... so they're basically hot potato-ing the tag titles to up to the title reigns between these two teams, huh? And then people wonder why nobody gives a shit about the titles in this company. All that aside, however, this was a really good match; perhaps one of the few Cell matches in recent memory that I might qualify as worth having in a cage.

Randy Orton defeated Rusev with an RKO out of somewhere or other because of course he does... hey, did you know Rusev once road a TANK to Wrestlemania? And now he's regressed to this sort of thing. Could've been a big star and possibly a big champion if "Creative" had anything worthwhile for him to do, but alas...

Baron Corbin defeated United States Champion A.J. Styles and Tye Dillinger when Corbin pinned Tye to win the title. Well, good for Corbin. Maybe now he'll invest those championship dollars in a spell-checker so he knows how to spell certain words properly when he does his Twitting thing. This was alright; tossing Dillinger in there made things interesting and kept A.J. strong by having him lose the title without getting pinned, so maybe he can do something else like challenge that foreigner or something.

Charlotte defeated Smackdown Women's champion Natalya via disqualification when Nattie hit Charlotte's knee with a chair; Nattie retains the title. Sure, why not? We need this to last another month or something. Match was okay, I guess. Wasn't really into it, but

WWE Champion Jinder Mahal defeated Nakamura to retain the title with outside interference from his lackeys... which is funny because it seems like that's the same finish I've seen in their Summerslam match... which is also funny because it seems like that's the same finish I've seen in Jinder vs. Randy... pick any of them. Look, I am all for pushing new guys to the top and I was initially enthusiastic about Jinder getting the WWE Title because it's not the same circle-jerk of guys getting that title... but the shine on that newness has long since dulled and nothing is being done to make me care about this guy. He's having the same kind of boring matches with the same boring finishes, he's not that interesting as a character or a champion, and the more this reign continues, the more I'm convinced that this is a move made purely to try and up those ticket sales in the India stretch of shows. And you know what? If those shows sell out, good for WWE... but I highly doubt Jinder would have anything to do with those metrics.

Bobby Roode defeated Dolph Ziggler with a roll-up. Apparently, Ziggler's new gimmick involves stinking up the joint and if that's the case, then he's succeeded immensely. God, this was a fucking atrocious match.

Kevin Owens defeated Shane McMahon when Shane jumped off the cell and broke a table that once had Kevin Owens on top, but then Sami Zayn slid him off the table and so Shane hit the table and I just don't care because I'm just sort of desensitized by the stunt show that they have with Shane. I suppose I should be thrilled that there's a Cell spot, but we just opened the show with a great tag match in the Cell that was actually pretty good. This felt long, drawn out, and pointless. You could've just spent ten minutes doing the trivial shit before going on top to do the stunt stuff.

Wow, after that opening cage match, everything just went downwards, didn't it? Some good stuff in there, but it's outweighed by a lack of care and just so truly dull stuff later on.

You know what? I'm done with this minor stuff, kids. I think I'll skip the next one (the Totally Lame Crap PPV) and just wait until Survivor Series rolls around next month. Besides, there's new Star Trek on right now and that's obviously much more important.

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