Thursday, November 3, 2016

WWE Hell In A Cell 2016

The above picture and quotation sums up my feelings immensely, but nonetheless, some brief (and I mean BRIEF) thoughts on last Sunday's show. My thoughts will be somewhat brief here.

US champ Roman Reigns defeated Rusev in the first of three Cell matches to retain the title. It was a decent street fight, if nothing else... but that's just it. It could've been a simple street fight. It didn't need the Cell. The finish was kinda stupid; Rusev has Reigns in his Accolade submission - WITH A FUCKING CHAIN ACROSS THE GUYS' FACE - and then Reigns overpowers Rusev and spears him for the win. I get we're trying to make Roman look strong, but this is fucking ridiculous. Even Hulk Hogan is shaking his head goin' "Brutha... dial it back a bit, brutha."

Maybe instead of making Roman look strong, you give people a reason to care about Roman... or, you know, make him... ooh, I don't know, LIKABLE?

Bayley defeats Dana Brooke in a waste of time match. They could've done this on RAW or the pre-show, but no, they did it on PPV because I guess we don't have enough shit to fill three hours.

Anderson and Gallows beat Enzo and Big Cass in a tag match... who gives a shit? I like Anderson and Gallows; they've got personality and skillz and stuff, but they need better shit to do than fight the Brooklyn folks or something.

Universal Champion Kevin Owens defeated Seth Rollins to retain the title in another Cell match that would've been perfectly fine as a straight-up street fight or steel cage match. I'll say that, at the very least, this was a far better match than their Clash of Champions encounter last month because it felt more like a fight and I liked it when fans called Seth a stupid idiot... but beyond that, I just don't care about the story being told... or lack thereof.

And then Jericho codebreaks Seth... if only he'd break his stupid list.

Brian Kendrick defeats Cruiserweight champ TJ Perkins by faking a knee injury to fool TJ into thinking he has a boo-boo, only for Kendrick to headbutt the dumb fuck and choke him out with a submission called the Captain's Hook. Oh, fuck off, are you shitting me? That's the best name for a submission move? Highlight of the match was some guy shouting "GET A FUCKING HAIRCUT HIPPIE" at Kendrick. Other than that, pretty forgettable match that gives me no reason to care.

Sheamus & Cesaro defeat New Day via DQ... who gives a shit? Look, everyone knows New Day are going to hold on to the titles until at least after they break Demolition's record, so why does anyone believe they were going to lose them here?

And in our main event, Charlotte defeats Women's champ Sasha Banks to win the title in the first HiaC match to feature women. And for all the hype that people have been throwing at this thing, it was... meh. They tried... they really tried... but at the end of the day, I didn't care.

Here's the deal; they start with Charlotte cheapshotting Sasha before the Cell is lowered, which is stupid because the Cell should already be lowered while they're doing the video packages and shit. And then Sasha tries climbing the Cell, but Charlotte catches her and power-bombs her through a table. And while others are concerned that a woman with numerous potential back issues is taking a table bump, I'm wondering why they even need the Cell if THAT was their big spot. Powerbomb's a relatively simple thing for someone who can lift that kind of weight; shouldn't need a cage for that.

So they call out the medics to bring out the stretcher and stretch Sasha out of here. They then announce Charlotte as the winner and new champ (surprised they didn't do that with Roman Reigns after the Summerslam beating he gave Rusev), but of course, Sasha will have none of it and knocks out an EMT on her way back to the ring and then we have our Cell match.

They have a couple tables tossed in, they have a couple chairs get used, and... I just don't care. And the sad thing is that they're trying their damnedest to make this feel like a big deal and it really isn't. I can honestly say that they've had better matches than this where they didn't have to do so much... but then again, they've had so many matches this past year that they really needed to be doing something else now instead of having yet another match. I don't even mind that Charlotte won the title back; as long as they give her something interesting to do instead of just having the same match she's had for the past year or something.

I'm not going to shit on the fact that this match went on last. As far as I'm concerned, these two women delivered a worthwhile main event, something to be proud of. And I sincerely hope WWE will be open to the possibility of having more PPVs headline by women (that we care about - important point) in the future (not Wrestlemania, though - let's wait a couple years on that). But as a Cell match... it's kinda meh. The big issue with this Cell match - the same as all Cell matches - is that there's no reason for them to be in a Cell.

The only reason this exists is so that WWE can say that they did the first Women's Hell In A Cell match and #LOLWomensRevolution and that sort of bullshit. And now that they've had that notch under their crusted belt, they can retire the moribund Cell gimmick permanently and replace it with something less imposing and less hyperbole driven. How about a show with nothing but submission matches, since WWE insists on trying to pass itself off as a fake UFC thing these days rather than a show with fucking wrestling on it?

By the way, the show ended at 11:15. Fuck this company, indeed.

So... yeah. Not a fan of this show. For those who thought Hell In A Cell would change the tide and give us matches worthy of the gimmick, that ain't happening. All we got are two street fights that happen to have a cage surrounding it (and the cage felt detrimental to the story they were telling more than anything - they probably would've been better off going all over the place) and a women's match with weapons thrown in for good measure between two people whom we've seen many times before.

Also, I like that on the following Monday, nobody is acting like they've been through hell or anything. Just another day in WWE to them. Is it any more clearer that we should retire the Cell and be done with it?

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