WWE Heck In A Cell 2015

So, this write-up is being posted a couple days after the event because I'm only watching it a couple days after the event. For those who missed it, I ended up watching No Mercy 2002 instead and posted a write-up on that. But I eventually did watch the show and here are my less than impressed musings on the show, along with some other ramblings along the way.



Alberto Del Rio - yes, Alberto Del Rio - is your mystery opponent and he defeated U.S. champion John Cena to win the title and now, he's with Zeb Coulter on a scooter while Cena goes on vacation or something. So that was a nice little surprise, considering the hooplah regarding Del Rio's exit a year or so ago and it was certainly unexpected because he's involved with the AAA organization in Mexico and that Lucha Underground show... but it was a nice surprise, for once. And Del Rio got a nice little reception and then they had the match and it was alright. It was decent. It was almost a condensed version of the matches the two have had in their past feud a few years back. That was fine.

But I'd have to imagine that Del Rio got a really sweet deal in coming back because the last time he was around, they fired him for punching one of their racist employees. So I guess for the few people hoping for another guy's return, this might slightly open that possibility more... but I don't want to heavily speculate on that, so let's move on.

There's a backstage skit... yeah, I ain't touchin' those.

Roman Reigns defeated Bray Wyatt in a Heck In A Cell match and nobody cared. I'm particularly miffed that a powerbomb through a table - which should theoretically be more damaging - would only constitute a near fall, but a spear is enough to do Bray in. And look; they tried. They really tried. I'm not going to say that this was phoned in or anything because they gave enough of a shit to make the most of what little they had to work with, but I honestly felt that they should've taken it a step further. Probably didn't because we have to protect the part-timers, but this needed a little more umph to it. But... I don't know.

WWE Tag-Team champions The New Day (minus Xavier Woods) defeated The Dudley Boyz to retain the titles... well, that went nowhere. Two Network events preceding this, two fuck finishes preceding this, and The New Day retains. Not that I'm complaining because those guys are awesome, but this didn't need to be dragged out for three months if this was the best finish they could come up with.

Divas champion Charlotte defeated Nikki Bella to retain the title. All the other plastic Divas are barred from ringside and nobody cares. Look, I'll give Nikki credit just this once. She got a little better and that made the match a little more tolerable. But it's still a Bella match. I automatically don't care. This whole #LOLDivasRevolution gag is run to the ground, providing nothing more than a mounting sense of futility that this division would have a reason to exist beyond promoting their shitty reality show that people watch for some reason.

That guy who wanted to see Sasha Banks must be so let down that he was stuck watching a Bella match instead. I don't blame him. Truth be told, Sasha is a little easier on the eyes than Charlotte is. No disrespect, but I don't see how adding little pink crap to the side of your face is supposed to be an effective affectation... but I guess I have to be a Flair to know that trade secret.

WWE World Champion Seth Rollins defeated Kane to retain the title... oh and Kane is fired as authority figure or whatever... fuck me, does anyone with half a functioning brain even care about this fucking match? Seriously, this whole sham of a feud is such a fucking joke that Katie Vick is rolling in her grave. I mean, I guess it's presumptuous on my part to assume that the feud is over because I'm sure they'll find a way to squeeze more Seth vs. Kane matches out of this, even though nobody cares. But... goddamn, son. This was worthless.

And I'm just going to say it here and now. It's time to do something with Seth Rollins because this is a kid with great talent, great ability, he talks a good game when he's allowed to, and you're giving him nothing but absolute garbage. The man provided the only worthwhile moment of Wrestlemania 31's main event snorefest when he cashed in and won the title. That should have been a jumping point to do something with this motherfucker and you've given him nothing but this flip-floppy caricacture who is a guy who needs no help with anybody one minute and then the next he's a whiny bitch.

And you know what? I get it. WWE doesn't give a shit about creating new stars; they just want to promote the brand. That has been their one big thing throughout all their existence. But right now, they're promoting a brand that's staler than molding cheese. They have no characters worth caring about, they have no stories worth caring about, they're just plodding along on name recognition alone and the ratings speak for themselves. WWE is a thing that people watch for a lark, but people stay for the engaging stories or the interesting characters... neither of which they're providing. And with Cena going on hiatus, do you really think they can make people care about their product? I'm none too confident that they could.

But I digress.

Intercontinental champion Kevin Owens defeated Ryback to retain the title. Too short, felt rushed, could've been better, but I guess they needed time for all that extra bullshit or something. Too bad; this was the only match I was looking forward to, but at least it wasn't an opener, so... that's something?

Brock Lesnar defeated the Undertaker in a Hell In A Cell match with an F5 following a mighty shot to the balls. Yeah, this match was pretty mediocre, given all the fucking hype, but then again, I wasn't the least bit surprised. Like, okay, they bled. They exposed the wooden panelling of the ring. They had a doctor try and check on Brock and the doctor took a bump... like it was part of the act. And this is apparently enough to be considered the best Cell match of the PG era and I'm like, "Okay, if you wanna call it that." I don't really agree there. I'd have to say that despite the hokey ending, I felt that last year's Hell in A Cell match with Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose was probably the best Cell match I've seen in the PG era. And that didn't need blood. It just needed a good bump.

I like how they kept bringing up Brock Lesnar's one Cell victory but they never bring up who he beat in his one Cell match. Here's a hint; it's the other guy in that match. In fact, I did a write-up on said PPV; WWE No Mercy 2002. It's presumably on the WWE Network's On-Demand service; I suggest checking it out because I found that to be the better match. The brawling was more impactful, the blood was more gruesome (perhaps too gruesome), there was the story told of Brock going for Taker's injured hand which Taker would eventually no sell, but more importantly, it gave Brock that boost when he won and gave him that credibility and added to his potential as the Next Big Thing... potential that was squandered the following month when he dropped the title to fucking Big Show, but... I liked that match better because it gave me a reason to care. This match didn't.

I have never a fan of Brock Lesnar vs. Undertaker. I thought their Wrestlemania match was shit - though you could attribute that to Taker's concussion. I thought their Summerslam rematch was equally shit. And lo and behold; last night's showing was just as dull, boring, and not the least bit exciting. I'm told this had a better story. Oh yeah, I'm sure it was worth sitting through utter boredom just to get to that ballshot, which I knew was coming sooner or later. But yeah, this was a letdown. Especially after watching their No Mercy match, which I liked better because they did more stuff and THAT told a better story even without the context. But, again, that's just me.

So Brock clocks out, goes back to his farm to hunt his deer and fuck his wife and play with his kids. We won't be seeing him for a while. Fine. They do the thing where they spend fifty years cheering for Taker... and then the Wyatts show up and they beat up Taker and they take them to the back. JBL is offended. I'm elated. This whole cheering bit didn't need to waste time on PPV. Save it for RAW, save it for Smackdown, save it for when Taker eventually hangs up his boots; just don't put it on PPV. It's bad enough we have to sit through your shitty backstage sketches or your recaps of what happened an hour ago or your panel discussions that tries and fails to make this seem like a legitimate competitive event or your fucking Mountain Dew commercials or your fifty-century Undertaker entrances. We don't need the self-five-knuckle-shuffling segments lasting fifty years. This is an instance where I would prefer the Vince Russo crash-TV style of match over, cut to the next segment sort of thing... or maybe just cut to the credits. I don't care.

I never got these segments. It's like "Look at the WWE Universe showing their respect for Undertaker." And I'm like "Okay, fine. Why do I care?" Because I don't. The guy's a long-time legend, a WWE staple, well regarded, well respected. Fine, but these segments kinda cheapen him, I feel. It's like they're designed to make me feel sorry for the guy that he lost a match. It feels like they're trying to make it as though it's the last time we will ever see him... which means fuck all when you're promoting your next PPV around twenty-five years of Undertaker, because guess what? It'll be the twenty-fifth anniversary of Taker's debut in the WWF and my first reaction was "Holy shit! They can actually count!" So, of course, Taker will be there and this whole bit seems pointless. If you want to have this sort of segment, that would be the best time to do it at Survivor Series... around that time. Not here. I don't know.

So that was Hell In A Cell... that was mediocre... I can't call it a disappointment because my expectations were so astronomically low that they'd have to pull off an incredibly putrid show to disappoint me and they ended up with a below-average one. It's not terrible or anything. It's simply there for the sake of being there and that's about it. Not one I'd care to revisit any time soon. It's one you'll watch and instantly forget about moments later.