Monday, August 24, 2015

WWE Summerslam 2015

Spoiler Alert: NXT Takeover Brooklyn blows this show out of the water.

Show cold-opens with host Jon Stewart cutting a bland promo... I guess. Mick Foley shows up for some reason to tell us about how scared he is of Brock Lesnar... come on, Mick. You fell off cages, took five billion chair shots to the head, participated in King Of the Deathmatch tournaments, got lost in Cleveland, lost an ear, wrestled the Mean Street Posse, and survived a couple years in TNA.

Now if a guy like that is scared of Brock Lesnar, you know what that tells me? It tells me that AL SNOW is more of a hardcore legend than Mick Foley. *drops mic*

Sheamus beat Randy Orton... sure, why not? It's alright, I guess... but seriously? Who cares?

The New Day beat Tag Champs The Prime Time Players, The Matadores, and the Lucha Dragons when Coffee Kingston pinned Tito Santana to win the titles... wait, that doesn't sound right. Who cares? This was fine. Bunch of insanity going about, sometimes hard to follow, but it was a fun ride. So thumbs up, I suppose.

There's a commercial for Edge shaving gel... and then there's another Jon Stewart skit followed by the usual gang of idiots trying to be funny or something.

The match between Dolph Ziggler and Rusev ends in a double-countout... this is followed by more fighting and a catfight between Lana and Summer Rae... all I've got is... MEH.

I like the hype video for the upcoming Stardust/Barrett vs. Neville/That Guy Who Plays Arrow match. Very comic book-ish, almost in a cheesy Chikara sort of way.

Neville and The Guy Who Plays Arrow beats Stardust and King Barrett when Neville beat Barrett... so wait, you have build up this huge thing between Not Cody Rhodes and That Guy Who Plays Arrow for some time now on Twitter and a smattering of WWE TV promos... and when the time comes, NEITHER GUY IS INVOLVED IN THE DECISION? That set aside, That Guy Who Plays Arrow did look somewhat decent there, so if a singles match with Not Cody Rhodes is in the cards, I wouldn't be totally opposed to it.

IC champion Ryback defeats Miz and Big Show in a Triple Threat Loser Gets A Z-Pak Match to retain the title... Now that I think about it, after watching this match, I could probably use a Z-Pak or two... This was boring... I like the one bit where Show and Miz were pushing each other off Ryback to go for the pin, but that's about all that stuck with me.

Jon Stewart's talking to Paul Heyman, who's apparently disappointed that we couldn't get David Letterman to host... now that's going to drive the imagination.

Dean Ambrose & Roman Reigns defeated Bray Wyatt & Bearded Dude when Ambrose hit Wyatt with Dirty Deeds. This was alright... but that's about it, really.

WWE Champ Seth Rollins defeated US Champ John Cena to win both titles when Jon Stewart jumped in and whacked Johnny C with a chair... Good Gawd Almighty, why did Jon Stewart screw John Cena?! Probably because, much like the rest of Brooklyn, Jon Stewart didn't care about John Cena and would rather see Seth Rollins get both belts than Marky Mark. Honestly, I don't get it. The match was fine, I guess... but again, that's about it. It was fine; fairly routine, fairly pedestrian, WTF finish... kinda meh in the long term, but hey! At least Seth Rollins got a big win and now carries two championships... and I actually like the white pants. He should keep them... so long as he maintains control over his bodily functions. (Stay away from the Z-Paks, Seth. I hear they're killer!)

And so the Diva Revolution CONTINUES!

And by Diva Revolution, I mean "extending the piss breaks to twenty years and somehow making fresh new faces that are truly talented and full of potential seem worthless." I swear to god, this company confounds me. How in the flying flip do you follow an awesome one-on-one match between two exceptionally talented women at the previous night's event showcasing your DEVELOPMENTAL BRAND with a nine-woman shitfest that, despite the presence of some truly exceptional talents from said DEVELOPMENTAL BRAND - one of which, mind you, was FEATURED in said awesome one-on-one match - manages to churn out absolute garbage?

Here's the root of the problem; when you get right down to it, the Bellas are HORRIBLE. Their matches are terrible, their promos are appalling even by pre-school playacting standards, their storylines are worthless, they're not that good looking, and there is no concrete reason to care about these idiots beyond the shitty reality show that they're the focus of... as well as the people they're sleeping with. There's a reason why Bella matches typically last a couple minutes; it's so that you don't notice how bad they are.

The moral of the story is this; you want to have a [Diva] Revolution? Go watch NXT. What you're getting on RAW is not a Revolution. It's a revolving door with new faces and with a renewed focus on mediocre women. Even WOW Unleashed had some personality and entertainment value to it, however fleeting it may be. This is just ghastly.

Kevin Owens defeated Cesaro. Good action, good loudmouthing from Owens, good clean fun. Great stuff, overall.

The Undertaker defeated Brock Lesnar... well, that sucked. It was the usual shitfest with suplexes and f5s and... a couple tables broke... submission holds applied... Taker taps and bell is rung, but Little Naitch says no because he didn't see the tap, allowing Taker to lowblow Brock and... like I said, that sucked. Not even Brock's bird could save this shitheap...

It's safe to say that I'm not the biggest fan of Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar either at Mania or at Slam. Their Mania match was pretty dull and bad, though that could partially be attributed to a concussion that Taker suffered early on. And now their Summerslam match, which is seemingly void of concussions of any kind, continued the legacy of utter mediocrity. Brock Lesnar in the year 2015 is apparently the modern-day equivalent of Scott Steiner circa 2003; nothing but suplexes and spit beneath the spitshine. Why they feel it necessary to drag this shitpile out for months of worthless hyping for a third match that will likely be more of the same is beyond me. The shine is long gone, the appeal is long gone, Taker got his win back, now it's time to give both he and Brock other things to do... preferably other things that would involve the actual full-time roster in ways that would give them the right kind of rub.

Why did this show need to be four hours? I mean... really. Why did this need to be four hours?

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