Tuesday, August 4, 2015

WCW Superbrawl V (1995)

On tap for the Network, it's a WCW Pay-Per-View from 1995. Superbrawl V... wait a minute. A WCW Pay-Per-View from 1995? That could only mean... oh no.

For those with no context to what I'm talking about, Hulk Hogan signed with WCW in 1994 and in his very first WCW match, beat Ric Flair for the WCW World Title. He'd continue to feud with Flair for a couple months before the Nature Boy was "retired" for a couple months. By the time we got to Starrcade, Hulk Hogan was defending the World Title against his BFF, Ed Leslie... it went over about as well as you'd expect.

Superbrawl V sounds promising, though. Hogan's going up against Big Van Vader, the big guy who tore off Cactus Jack's ear, the guy who dominated WCW for the better part of 1993, the guy who had been involved with an awesome feud. Surely, WCW couldn't possibly fuck this up, could they?

Well, WCW isn't around anymore... are they?

Alex Wright defeated Paul Roma in a match that was joined in progress as apparently the version airing on WWE Network is missing a few minutes. From what I've read, Roma was being a dick here and tried to make himself look good at the expense of Wright... and he got fired for his troubles. Couldn't happen to a nice guy, bro. Strangely enough, Jim Duggan would do the same thing years down the line and was still gainfully employed. Talk about favoritism. The only notable thing about this match was the one guy chanting "Boring" during the slow bits. Can't say I disagree.

Speaking of Duggan, "Hacksaw" Jim defeated Bunkhouse Buck with his signature Three-Point Stance before getting massacred by pre-afro Meng. Even blowing through this on fast forward, this match felt slow and plodding... but it saves myself the trouble of following up every instance of Duggan calling for "USA!" with an equally enthusiastic "U Suck Ass!" Someone please tell me the upside to dumping young bucks like Stunning Steve, Flyin' Brian, and Cactus Jack for "timeless legends" like Jim Duggan, Kevin Sullivan, and Butcher Bruti. I'd really like to know.

Speaking of ol' Booker Man, Kevin Sullivan defeated Evad Sullivan, whose gimmick was that he was the world's biggest Hulkamaniac and a bit mentally handicapable... or something. Mentally handicapable is perhaps the best euphemism that could describe this match. I've got to say; three matches in and I'm feeling disillusioned about this whole thing.

Oh dear... Mike Tenay with a head of hair. That's a visual I can never get used to.

The Nasty Boys defeated WCW Tag-Team champions Harlem Heat to win the WCW Tag-Team Championship when Sherri accidently hit Booker with an international object, allowing Sags to score the... oh wait a minute, here comes a second ref to let the first ref know that someone (I don't recall who) went over the top rope and that's grounds for an instant disqualification. So the Heat retain the titles... just the fact that I couldn't be bothered to go back and refresh my memory as to how the end truly came about should be indicative of how much this match intrigued me.

Blacktop Bully defeated Dustin Rhodes... meh. The two would have a "rematch" in the back of a moving truck the following month that would eventually get them fired when a bit of "color" came into the picture.

Sting and Macho Man Randy Savage defeated Big Bubba Rogers (the Boss... man, is he Big) and Earthquake. Perhaps the only thing resembling a watchable match. This was fun, actually. More so that I would've expected to tell the truth.

The match between Hulk Hogan and Vader, brutha, which ends in a clusterfuck, brutha, because Hoak Hogan, brutha, is your typical Hogan bullshit, brutha. Hogan does his poses, brutha. Heel dominates, brutha. Hogan no-sells the big move, brutha. Hulks up, brutha. Ends in a bullshit brawl, brutha. Fuck this match, brutha.

Fuck it, there are no words.

This show sucks.


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