Thursday, August 6, 2015

WCW Bash At The Beach 1999

So here's the other WCW PPV show that I still have from the "old" days of VHS to DVD conversions; the 1999 iteration of the Bash At The Beach. My memory of the event is a bit fuzzy; the only thing I recall is that one of the matches took place in a junkyard... well, sounds like a good place for a WCW event in 1999, amirite?

Why am I writing "amirite" now?

Bash At The Beach was known for many things in its short history; it's the event where Hulk Hogan would beat Ric Flair for the WCW World Title in his first WCW match. It's the event where Hogan would turn heel and planted the seeds for the birth of the nWo. It's the event where Vince Russo would cut his scathing promo on Hogan that planted the seeds for a lawsuit. It's the event where... where a bunch of guy would fight in a junkyard in a hardcore invitation match for a crappy trophy.

Because, sure... why not?

Ernest Miller defeated Disco Inferno in a match that started with an impromptu showing off of "dance skills" and a finish that involved a red slipper. Because red slippers are weapons of mass destruction or something.

World Television Champ Rick Steiner defeated Van Hammer with a bulldog to retain the title... This was not only a thing that happened, but the less said about this thing that happened, the better.

U.S. Champ David Flair defeated Dean Malenko in a match that involved fifty bagillion run-ins and more brain hemmorages than thought possible. This is where my brain just shuts itself off and refuses to turn on. And even then, I'm outright mortified by the stupidity and ineptitude featured here in this one match. Good lord, that was fucking awful. Absolutely horrible.

The No Limit Solders (Konnan, Rey Mysterio Jr., and two other dudes I've never heard of, but one of them is named Swoll, so that's something I guess, right?) defeated the West Texas Rednecks (Curt Hennig, Barry Windham, Kendall Windham, and Bobby Duncum Jr.) in an eight-man tag-team elimination match. The Rednecks had a "hit single" called Rap Is Crap and it's actually a catchy little tune, in all honesty. Funny thing is that despite being portrayed as the villains, the Rednecks were cheered by the WCW audiences due to WCW still maintaining that southern demographic or at least, that group of people who really did think that rap was indeed crap.

So obviously, when something gets hot that's contrarian to your booking plans or script, you kill the angle dead and bury the talent involved. Because wrestling promoters hate easy money, apparently.

So the match sucks. The Soliders act like heels, but are supposed to be the babyfaces. The Rednecks act like the good guys, even though they're supposed to be the antagonists. If Jim Ross was distressed by how today's heels in WWE were portrayed (they don't cheat enough), I'd hate to see how he'd react to this match. It's like Bizarro World over here.

So we get to the Junkyard Invitational... it's a bunch of guys "fighting" in a junkyard at the pitch of night and you could hardly see a damn thing. This segment is essentially a car crash in that you have no clue what's going on and yet you're still compelled to watch just to see what could go wrong. There's a couple explosions here and there. There's a bunch of stuff being tossed around. There's a bunch of flying bodies. What there isn't is a bunch of shit being given. After what seems like an almost lengthy affair, we're told that Fit Finlay won the match by escaping the junkyard, thus winning the trophy. I wonder if he still has that trophy today.

WCW World Tag-Team Champs The Triad (DDP, Bigelow, Kanyon) defeated Chris Benoit and Perry Saturn to retain the titles. This was perhaps the best match on the card due to being the one with the least amount of bullshit. It was alright; not the greatest thing ever, but the guys gave it their best effort and at least looked to give a damn about putting on a good showing and that's what we got. I'm not going to fault them for that.

Buff Bagwell defeated Roddy Piper in a "boxing" match. I say "boxing" match because while this was touted and pushed as a "proper" boxing match with "proper" boxing rules, as well as having famed boxing referee Judge Mills Lane be the official for the match, Bagwell ends up getting the pinfall win after his blockbuster move on a bucket-headed Piper... oh and Judy Bagwell is in this match as well for moral support, I guess, as well as a piece of Piper's ear for a midnight snack, I guess.

And then WCW was wondering why nobody gave a shit about their product, despite Piper's constant claims to the contrary. Seriously, who the fuck thought this was a good idea? This was reprehensibly bad!

Macho Man Randy Savage and Sid Vicious defeated WCW World Champ Kevin Nash and Sting when Savage pinned Nash to win the title. Yeah, the World title was put on the line in a tag-team match and the guy who scored the win would get the title. This is the kind of match that earned D-level actor David Arquette his only WCW championship. Savage was in his phase where he had an entourage of ladies much younger than him and one of those ladies had a black eye... yeah, that was a thing.

So Macho Man wins the title... only to lose it the next night to a returning Hollywood Hulk Hogan, who would eventually bring back the tired red-and-yellow Hulkster and be the focus of the company while Savage was stuck with wrestling Dennis Rodman in a porta-potty. If only I were making this up.

Yeah, so... this show sucked. Not much else to say there. It blows chunks. You've got like one good match and the rest was just... how did that one song go? Fuck the pain away? That certainly applies here.

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