Sunday, June 14, 2015

WWE Money In The Bank 2015... Yep, I've Got Nothing.

Well, it's WWE's annual spotfest for a World Title shot... yippee... I don't know how much I'm supposed to care here, but I'll give it the ol' college try I suppose.

So, they start off with a ten-bell salute to the late Dusty Rhodes... won't say much here except, "Godspeed, Dream. And thanks for the memories."

First match up is the Money In The Bank ladder match, featuring Randy Orton, Roman Reigns, Sheamus, Kofi Kingston, Kane, Dolph Ziggler, and Neville. It's your usual Money In The Bank match with the usual spots and bits and bobs. There's a point where Roman Reigns is just about to claim the briefcase (and judging from the crowd reaction... no comment) but then Bray Wyatt shows up (wearing a spiffy apron) and tilts the ladder downward... so I'm guessing we'll have a Bray/Roman feud for some reason.

So, Sheamus wins the MiTB contract... eh, I suppose they gotta give him something to justify the goofy mohawk. In all honesty, I wouldn't mind a Sheamus World Title reign... it's not the most ideal scenario, but given the possible alternatives - a polarizing Roman Reigns, an ineptly-booked Seth Rollins, an abayent Brock Lesnar, or possibly another reign for Cena or Orton - Sheamus is something somewhat different... I guess... I suppose... I'm really stretching here, aren't I?

There's a Nikki Bella match... it ends with a Dusty Finish... why did I watch this match?

Look, there are plenty of perfectly acceptable ways of paying tribute to the late Dusty Rhodes. A short video package is one of them. A television special is another... but a lousy Dusty Finish is NOT one of them. Even worse, this is the second "event" in a row that they pull this shit off with. Seriously.

Next up, we got Ryback defending the IC Title against Big Show, with Miz doing commentary because clearly somebody at WWE hates their audience. I find it funny that the guy who won the Intercontinental title is stuck in a match with Big Show, whereas a number of participants from said Elimination Chamber match competed in a ladder match for a guaranteed World title shot. I guess the old adage of "You only fail upwards" is true. This match is the sports-entertainment equivalent of intense diarrhea. It's just bad.

Oh and Big Show wins via DQ when Miz interfered... yay.

John Cena beats Kevin Owens... why are you even surprised?

Cena vs. Owens II was a fantastic match... again, why are you even surprised?

Kevin Owens then powerbombs John Cena after the match... thank fuck for that.

John Cena... appears to be selling whatever injury he's pretending to suffer... I'm sure he'll be fine. Just give him a Z-Pak and he's good to go for tomorrow night.

I'm split as to whether I enjoyed this match or their first match more, but they delivered the goods here. I even like the little moments, like Cena questioning the ref's two-counts after each big move or Kevin Owens' countering each of Cena's attempted big moves. A part of me wished they held off on the rematch until a couple months down the line - that and also wishing that John Cena would quit doing that stupid springboard stunner because it looks like absolute shit and could seriously hurt someone - but on the other hand, given what's been delivered thus far, I've no complaints.

Prime Time Players (Titus O'Neil and Darren Young) defeated the New Day (Xavier Woods and Big E) to win the Tag-Team titles. Short and simple, fine for what it was, and perfectly acceptable fare. Sandwiched between two big matches, this was alright for a breather.

So they just announced Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt for next month's Battleground... because screw letting things progress naturally because everyone is a fucking idiot. Screw prolonging the inevitable Roman Reigns challenging Bray Wyatt to a match after numerous incursions. Let's just book one quick spot and make a match for next month's PPV event or whatever... And then they wonder why their TV ratings are embarrassing these days.

WWE World Champ Seth Rollins defeated Dean Ambrose in a ladder match to retain the title. Started off pretty slow and dull, but picked up towards the end. There are bits that I liked here, like Seth Rollins' ringpost Figure Four and even a Bionic Elbow from Ambrose. The end of the match, with both guys grabbing the belt and Rollins holding on after the fall, almost made me fear that they would somehow Dusty Finish a ladder match, but fortunately, Rollins retains and has his belt back. Most of all, it feels like for the first time since his title reign began, Rollins is looking like a heel champion who could back up his claims. Somehow, I have a feeling this is the last time I'll be saying that about Seth Rollins in the foreseeable future.

So McSon-In-Law comes out and they spent a long as time just bellowing out "I told you so" and just victory poses... I mean, about a couple minutes worth of this, and you're expecting something to happen because they wouldn't stick with this for so long without something happening at the end... but instead, we get a promo from Rollins. And then we end the show... and the point of that was... what, exactly? For fuck's sake, what was the whole point of that last segment if you're not going to do anything? Fuck, I've seen WCW shows end on better notes than this.

So, that was Money In The Bank... and it was alright. In all honesty, Cena/Owens II and the WWE World Title ladder match are the only things worth watching here, as the rest of it ranges from "perfectly acceptable wrestling" to "where're the suicide pills?" All in all, a hearty meh from me.

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