Monday, April 27, 2015

WWE Extreme Rules 2015

Last night proved... interesting.

For those expecting a Daniel Bryan match, he hadn't been cleared for action and so his IC Title match against Bad News Barrett was called off. Instead, Barrett got bumped to the pre-show against Neville, where he subsequent fell to the former NXT dude with a cool looking corkscrew like flip. As much as I could bemoan another Barrett lose, at the very least, he made a youngun look good.

They open the show with a street fight between Dean Ambrose and Luke Harper that starts off as any brawl would, then spill backstage, and then they'd both hijack a car and drive away. I'd imagine the fight in the car would be infinitely more entertaining than what I'm about to watch. With the fight taken elsewhere (and because WWE doesn't have a crack camera crew to follow the action)... the show must go on or something. Don't worry; we'll get back to this later on.

So that brings us to a segment featuring HHH, Kane, and Seth Rollins that's about as compelling as... look, given how boring this segment is, I'd imagine any dull analogy brought up here would be more compelling than what's on display here.

Dolph Ziggler defeated Sheamus in a Kiss My Ass match.... er, I mean, Kiss Me Arse, match... which is supposed to be the match where the loser has to kiss the winner's bum, but I guess WWE never got that memo, because Dolph is the one kissing backside here. Hey, what did you expect from a company that would advertise a "Once In A Lifetime" match and then have the re-match one year later? Anyway, this was fine. Dolph did his usual underdog and selling big, Sheamus did his big bully bit, the crowd was into it, and it was fine.

The New Day defeated tag-team champions Cesaro and Tyson Kidd to win the titles... because why push the hot tag-team when you can push the stale racist act that nobody gives a shit about? This was a perfectly acceptable tag-team match. Cesaro and Kidd are crisp and fun to watch, and the New Day... well, they're just there. They're not bad wrestlers or anything; I just liked them better before they teamed up.

Meanwhile, back from their car ride, Dean Ambrose and Luke Harper resume their street fight by tossing a bunch of chairs into the ring, which ends up serving no other purpose than to get a nice little visual on screen as well as a mild "E-C-Dub" chant from the crowd. There's a nice bit where Harper buries Ambrose in a bunch of chairs in order to finish the guy off - all things considered, Ambrose has had worse ways of going under - but that didn't turn out so well and Ambrose wins with a Dirty Deeds DDT that didn't involve any chairs...

You know, given that they drove off at the beginning of the show... they sorta missed a trick by not having them come back until a later date. Some would say the following night's RAW, but I'd say get these guys off TV for about a week or so, maybe show a couple bits - sightings, if you will - where they're fighting on the streets of some city, and then at some point, they drive back to some future WWE show, and they're still fighting, and the match resumes as if nothing ever happened and then you do the usual finish. It'd be a nice, creative way to continuing the story and you can make a point to suggest that they'd break the (kayfabe) record for longest wrestling match in history. It would be something different... for once.

US champ John Cena defeated Rusev in what was advertised to be a Russian Chain match (a match "never aired" on WWE television, DERP!) but is really a lame "touch-all-four-corners-to-win" strap match with a chain in it. So why not make it a fucking strap match? You could call it the Bulgarian Strap match or something... especially if you're not going to do anything interesting with the fucking chain... Look, there have been good Russian Chain matches and good strap matches... but this is not one of them. This was DULL. So DULL that I was re-watching an episode of Hulk Hogan's Rock And Wrestling on the PVR while this match was going on... seriously, when LANA is the only interesting thing about this match and you send here AWAY...

Oh, and they're having another match... an I QUIT match. Fucking hell.

They then follow it up with a Divas title match. I don't care. I was too busy watching Cherry Bomb wrestle on YouTube.

Roman Reigns defeated Big Show in a Last Man Standing match by flipping a table over Big Show... hey, Roman. Did you send a royalty check to Alberto Del Rio for stealing his finish from a couple years earlier? Anyway, started off slow and dull - there was a JBL chant, at one point - but eventually picked up steam towards the end with intense blows and broken barricades. I like what they're doing with Roman; making him the guy who takes insurmountable punishment but never stays down. It's not going to make up for the character assassination he's had to endured at the beginning of the year, but it's at least something to make him interesting if nothing else.

There was a bit with Bo Dallas (he's still around?) and Skip Sheffield that I didn't care about.

WWE World Champion Seth Rollins defeated Randy Orton in a cage match to retain the title. The RKO was banned in this match... hence why Rollins beat Orton with an RKO before escaping the cage... They went from having a nice little match at Wrestlemania to a shitty cage match with supposed "drama" surrounding Kane's allegiance, whose actions surprised... nobody. Again, this was just DULL. A match that was designed to give WWE editors some nice shots for a montage that would tell the story trying to be told here better than a full-on match ever could.

Extreme Rules as a whole was... mild, at best. Started off with some decent stuff, then degraded to absolute mediocrity, with the final moments of Reigns vs Show being the only real beacon of light in that final stretch. Yep, this is definitely a WWE B show where nobody in creative gives a shit and we're just gonna phone it in until the eventual Brock payday in a few months.

And then they wonder why nobody gives a shit about their product.

Oh, by the way, did you know they're bringing back the King Of The Ring tomorrow? Of course, you didn't. FAIL.

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