Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Power Rangers For Retards

Full thoughts after the break... and ONLY after the break.

Apologies in advance for some choice wording in the following post, but given my mood after watching something so wretched, I don't feel like picking out happy euphemisms.

Been checking through my e-mails and various messaging accounts where I come across a message asking about my thoughts on the "MMPR bootleg fan film" by someone called [REDACTED]. I didn't know what he was talking about and I had to think really hard about this one, because at first, I figured the question referred to the MMPRino thing that has been mocked several times, but I don't recall anyone named [REDACTED] being a part of that. So I was drawing a blank until a subsequent visit to Rangerboard brought to light another MMPR "fan" film, produced by someone who clearly isn't a fan if his comment to Deadline (the one that stated he wanted to "make Power Rangers good" with this tripe) is any clear indication of his stance on the product. In fact, I recall doing a quick blog on this particular project, which some people thought was a pilot for a new show or something and I wrote:

"I'm kinda, sorta calling bullshit on this though. At best, it's a spoof thing for something like Funny Or Die. At worst, it's just a bunch of people with nothing better to do and managed to snag a couple notable names."

So the question was, "Did you catch that MMPR bootleg fan film thing from [REDACTION] and if so, what are your thoughts on it?"

Yes, I did catch it the minute I was made aware of it and I can safely say that I thought it was fifteen minutes I'm never going to get back. Good lord, that was fucking horrible. And of course, not wanting to be the sole individual to suffer such a horrible fate, I sent a link of the video to my longtime buddy and shortly thereafter, he sent me back a reply that simply stated; "15 minutes of my life, 15 minutes of my internet bandwidth, 15 minutes of electricity - never getting that back."

Now before anyone asks; no, I'm not linking to the fucking thing. I'm not embedding it onto any page. I'm not going to give this pile of shit any more press than it already has. I REFUSE to promote this tripe in any way, shape, or form BEYOND this one blog post, which is why any reference to the project's name or the people involved with this project are REDACTED.

I suppose, in the grand scheme of things, it got the kind of reaction that I expected this sort of thing to get. For some of the longtime fans of the franchise, it is a huge affront to Power Rangers and a cancer that needs to be excised from existence. For other fans of the franchise, it's a mildly curious "parody" or "satire" at the state of Hollywood reboots of classic properties. But the biggest push seems to come from all the simpletons and retards with only fleeting attachment to the franchise, as they shamelessly and brainlessly proclaim this to be "Power Rangers for grown-ups - the way it was meant to be" or something equally stupid. I even read one comment on Youtube claiming that - and I'm quoting this verbatim - "Finally... a Power Rangers series that's as dark as the Japanese Power Rangers(Super Sentai)." Which I thought was hilarious because Super Sentai isn't that dark. Save the whole "it's got blood, devil worship, or anything like that". Super Sentai, even in its gravest of narrative situations and depictions, had some levity to it and never took itself too seriously. To say that this shitheap is as dark as Super Sentai is to say that Super Sentai is the same dull, lifeless, depthless, unimaginative tripe that this thing is... and while I'm not the foremost Super Sentai fan out there, I've seen enough to believe that it is anything but.

This "film" is just grimdark for the sake of grimdark; senseless gore, lots of needless swearing, shots and sequences so fucking dark you could hardly see a damn thing, a couple choice character attributes that are shameless and tasteless, shitty costumes (i mean, come on, I've seen better helmets on Chinese knock-off toys for fuck's sake)... and why oh why does every shitty grimdark MMPR wankfest has to suck the JDF sausage? Every single fucking one of these things... and there's other details that just rubbed me the wrong way. Trini's (not Trina, you intellectually challenged monkey) funeral; no doubt having to do with the fact that the original actress died in a car crash. Billy's homosexuality; no doubt having to do with the fact that the original actor is indeed a gay man. The kind of shit that they put in to make people think they're being clever, but they're really being fucking stupid... and, oh we can't forget, BLONDE Kimberly. You dumb motherfuckers, how can you possibly fuck this up? Seriously, "herp derp, I wanna bang Kimmy the Pink Ranger. herp derp." You couldn't spend the extra fifty cents on a brunette wig or is that a Stardoe thing that I missed?

I mean, I guess I could be impressed by the presence of some name actors like Dawson and re-imagined Starbuck and they even got the actress who did American Rita in the original Mighty Morphin. Some of the visual effects were... okay-ish. The story that they were trying to tell here... probably would've worked better on paper in written form than what they went for here. There's a bit of a twist at the end of it that I honestly thought was interesting and something rather unexpected. I'm sure somebody could take that idea and write a better fanfic out of it, if such an idea hasn't been made already. [Fun fact: An aborted fanfic project from a few years back employed a similar twist. A pity we never got around to finishing it.] But this is just garbage. Even without the MMPR elements - what little was actually there, that is - you take all that stuff away and you're still left with an absolute horrible pile of shit.

I read that if you were to treat this as a parody rather than a serious attempt at grimdark Power Rangers, you'd probably enjoy it more, but there was never any point where this was supposed to be a parody or a satire or anything like that. The way this was done was played completely straight, taken completely seriously, and... just... I wish I could say I got a laugh out of this, but... I was gobsmacked. This was a complete waste of time and it's the exact kind of thing that was designed solely so that braindead idiots who barely remember MMPR will think it's the most fucking awesomething evah, BRo. Dis so fucking epic, BRO! YEAAAAHHHHH, HARDFUCKINGCOREMANFGQ!

Those same idiots would probably say that this would've been cool if it had JASON FRANK THE ORIGINAL GREEN RANGER AND GREATEST OF ALL TIME, YO. Guess what? Never going to happen. JDF already turned down one proposal for an MMPR "fan project" because he didn't care for the direction they were going for. Yes, he'd love to see a more mature, edgier Power Rangers, but his thought process is that at the end of the day, Power Rangers is primarily - but not exclusively - a KIDS SHOW. A kids show, mind you, that is still on the air to this very day. A kids show that is due to get a major motion picture from Lionsgate, which is now set to disappoint the halfwit morons and mentally-deprived simpletons who think they're going to deliver something similar to this Megazord of horseshit when anyone with half a brain knows that's never going to happen.

Now anyone who has followed my stuff knows that I am the farthest thing from being a JDF fanboy. When it comes to his online presence and some of his actions regarding certain things, I tend to think of him as something of a douchebag and I've said some harsh things about him... and a part of me questions the validity of his claim that the producers of this shitheap approached him to reclaim the role he's no longer fit to play (he was approached by the folks doing that other MMPR thing; probably got confused.) However, there is one thing that he points out that absolutely MAKES SENSE and I have to agree with him in that regard.

Yeah, I agree with something Jason Frank said. See, I'm not always detracting of the man... although he loses points on trying to make this about him by begging Liongates to put him in the new movie... but let's get back to the point that I DO agree with here.

Power Rangers started off as a children's franchise. It has always been a children's franchise even when it started to grow a slightly older audience. It has been a children's show during the prime years, during the waning years... it's always stayed that way. So to take something. You can do that with something like Ninja Turtles, which started off as a black-and-white comic book with mature content, but you can't do that with Power Rangers. The most you can do with Power Rangers in terms of making it more mature and less kiddy is probably a hard PG, maybe PG-13 rating. Anything more than that is just self-indulgent horseshit that tries to pass itself off as something worthwhile, but is anything but.

I can understand the desire to want to see a more mature or edgier version of Power Rangers. You know what? I get that. I'm all for it. That much is evident by the shit ton of fan-written works that tries to tell stories within that context. I've done similar fanfiction in that vein years ago, to somewhat mixed results. So I'm not close-minded to the possibility of an interpretation of a property that aims to be less juvenile than the source material. However, there is a difference between presenting a mature interpretation of a franchise and slapping together excessive profanity and gore and nudity and trying to pass it off as making a silly franchise "good."

No, seriously. That's what this idiot claims this thing is; Power Rangers being made good.

This is not good. This is shit. This is not mature. This is juvenile garbage. This is not a work of art. This is sub-sub-sub-low-brow schlock, which is an affront to low brow schlock. But most of all, at the risk of paraphrasing an old rant from another Starbuck, this is not Power Rangers. It's the re-imagined kind that's even more juvenile than the KIDS' SHOW. Even the lowliest of seasons such as Super Megaforce come off as more mature compared to this tripe. And if, for one moment, you honestly believe the upcoming movie should match the tone of THIS SHIT, then you are either a brain dead idiot or an outright fucking moron. There is no other option.

Suddenly, that long-overdue, oft-delayed generic militaristic thing claiming to be an MMPR fan film is looking a lot more satisfying and appealing. Hell, all of a sudden, Agony In Pink is not the most wretched piece of Power Rangers fanwank ever conceived. This thing has no reason to exist, other than for a shitty and loathsome group of filmmakers to make a name for themselves off someone else's intellectual property. Well, they succeeded. They got their spotlight and for some, this being in the limelight is doing the franchise a favor... as if that actually meant anything to anybody.

Pure fucking trash. That's what this thing is. And that's what I'll regard it as.

I've nothing more to say on the matter. The matter is closed, as far as I'm concerned.

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