IMPACT (Apr. 5th, 2010): This Show Fucking Sucked

Orlando Jordan shows up and pours milk all over himself... smell the ratings, I guess... or just find a good gay porno if that's your thing because that'll get the job done much better.

You know, I wrote a quick blurb up on the blog and started it with "I've got nothing." I wish I had nothing. I wish I hadn't watched this show, which I didn't plan on doing because Impact had been sucking the proverbial meat missile in grand fashion. Unfortunately, our ol' buddies at The Score pre-empted RAW so they could show some college basketball games. That meant I got to contribute to their 0.7 rating for the week, which I'd imagine would make everyone over at TNA happy that they're not getting the same shitty Thursday numbers... you know, the 1.x ones that meant more people were watching.

Then again, maybe it's a good thing that nobody is watching this shitshow.

So they start the show by announcing what was called a "TNA Diva Lockbox Showdown", in which a bunch of women will compete for keys to open boxes or something. The match happens and it's a multi-woman match where a bunch of women get pinned and I have no fucking clue what's going on. Are you sure I'm watching TNA, which is supposed to have the better women's wrestling? This looks like something out of the Divas division run by LayCool, which is the equivalent of an extended piss break.

Then again, Russo is writing this shit, so I shouldn't be surprised.

Long story short: four women win keys to open boxes back stage. Velvet Sky gets an open contract for a future title shot... I guess. Tara (a.k.a. Victoria) gets her spider back and is happy as a result, only for her to realize that she lost the title... but she got the spider back so all is well, I guess. Angelina Love ends up with the title while Daffney is stuck doing a striptease or else she's fired immediately. I would suggest trying her luck in the open market, but she goes through with the striptease because she's a professional who honors her word by slowing taking her clothes off until Lacey comes in and whacks her with some kind of dildo... and then she strips to end the show. Yes, this shitshow was your main event for Impact, while RAW was having another John Worthless match. Guess which show won the night.

Actually, don't guess. It should be plainly fucking obvious by this point.

Just for the hell of it, I'll repost what I wrote on the blog below.

- Apparently, RVD's gimmick is that he gets ambushed after attaining a victory. Probably not the case, but whenever I watch an RVD match, that's usually what happens. Also... what the fuck, man? No five-star frogsplash?! Seriously?!

- Speaking of which, way to make your No. 1 Contender to the World title look like a chump. I guess when your World champ is already looking like a chump, it can only be a step up.

- Whenever I see Scott Hall on my television screen, I get a headache. When the entire Wolfpac shows up on my TV screen, I get an epileptic aneurysm. Seriously, why are these guys on my TV? Are you sure this is TNA? Because it looks like Monday Nyquil.

- Also, we need to bring back Mick Foley and punch Bubba in the face again. Maybe bring some C4 as insurance.

- So to win the Women's championship in TNA (I'm not calling it that other name), you have to get a key to a random box and hope you're the lucky winner. It's sad enough that the title means very little that it has to be won in that way, but it's also a pathetic way to close out the show. Mind you - TNA's interchangeable Barbie dolls tend to wrestle somewhat better matches than WWE's interchangeable Barbie dolls, but that match happened early in the show.

And that's about it. What a sad, sad show. There's a bit more wrestling than the other Impacts I've been watching, but this show really suck. Lame. Lame. Lame.

Later.