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Wednesday, November 23, 2016

3018 - WWE Survivor Series 2016


Bill Goldberg returned to the ring for the first time in twelve years to beat Brock Lesnar with two spears and a jackhammer in less than two minutes. That was the greatest main event in WWE history.


And before anyone gets any idea... no, I'm not joking. I'm not trying to be funny or contrarian for the sake of it. I'm being brutally honest. That Survivor Series main event where it was all Goldberg with Brock only barely getting a nudge of offense is the most glorious thing I've seen on WWE television for years. It was probably the first genuine smile on my face in relation to a WWE Pay-Per-View main event since Wrestlemania 31 when Seth Rollins cashed in to win the WWE World title and save a borefest of a main event. Watching Bill Goldberg, who's nearing 50, hasn't wrestled a match in twelve years, and has some nagging injuries, make short work of Brock Lesnar made me really fucking happy.

They didn't drag this out for twenty minutes. They didn't have Brock do his fifty fucking shitty suplexes that all the hardcores get hard-ons over, they didn't have Goldberg try to "wrestle a normal match" or anything like that because that's not what Goldberg fucking does. Brock did a nudge and Goldberg fucking killed him in short order. Instead of doing the stock Brock Lesnar match that would put me to sleep, they did the stock Goldberg match. It was short, it was sweet, and it was fucking beautiful. And I was happy. It was the first time that I came out of a WWE Pay-Per-View main event with a sense of joy and happy feels rather than a sense of apathy, which is usually the case these days.

I was expecting a trainwreck of a match. I remember seeing the first match between Bill and Brock at Wrestlemania XX in 2004, which was a trainwreck of a match. Both guys were on their way out, the crowd shat over everything, the match sucked balls, the only good thing was Steve Austin stunning both guys on their way out. So when they announced the rematch and people were excited, I was like... why? The match sucked the first time when both were around on a regular basis.

I didn't see the rematch between Grandpa Bill and Lazy Bork Laser being any better. In fact, I planned on not watching the match altogether because I figured, much like most would, that it'd be the same old, boring ass Brock Lesnar does suplexes, the other guy does fuck all, and he either wins with an F5 or with repeated punches to the face match that they do with everybody, but now it's with OLD-Berg instead of whoever they hustled into an exhibition with Brock.

But I stuck around, after a rather lengthy and enjoyable 5-on-5 elimination match that had the nice surprise of Bray Wyatt actually winning a big match... and they did the promo, they had Brock come out, then they had Goldberg do the thing where he's escorted by a couple security guards because WWE is cheap. And the bell rings and the match ends before it happens and it was shock... followed by great elation and a ticker tape parade... not really.

Here's my stance; this quick victory might knock Lesnar down a peg or two, but sooner or later, he'll get that cocky edge back and he'll be doing the same boring ass shit he's done for the past couple years without missing a beat. Yeah, a guy pushing 50 beating a lazy (oops, I mean dominant) juicehead who failed a drug test might be a stretch, but I was able to buy into that MUCH more easily than I could said juicehead from Steroid City delivering nothing but suplexes and smiling like a retard for a damn near half hour.

"B-But... BUT SUPLEX CITY! SUPLEX CITY, BITCH! SUPLEX FUCKING CITY!"

Yeah, I've been to Suplex City when Scott Steiner was running that show in 2003. It sucked then too. But at least that could be attributed to Steiner being hurt. This is Brock being fucking lazy and collecting the checks. And no matter how many legit credentials people try to wave around, there's nothing remotely believable or even credible about a "dominant" Brock Lesnar match. It's become the "Divas piss break" or the "Go To Bed Early" role... it may even challenge the dreaded 20 minute Triple H promo as the new cure of insomnia!

So yeah, Goldberg beats Brock Lesnar in a minute and a half. A quick, decisive, and quite frankly DOMINANT victory. The kind of victory that I felt Brock Lesnar should have had over John Cena when he won the WWE World title back in 2014. The kind of victory that - and I'm going to fray a few nerves here - Roman Reigns should have had over Brock Lesnar back in Wrestlemania 31. Now that's a main event worth remember.

-o-

I suppose I should talk about the rest of the show, seeing as it was a four-hour show.

To tell the truth, I didn't really watch the first couple matches; there was really no reason for me to do so. I had a feeling that RAW was going to dominate most of the matches and that turned out to be true. The RAW women beat the SMACKDOWN women, the RAW tag-team beat the SMACKDOWN tag-teams, Brian Kendrick retained his Cruiserweight title to keep the fledgling division on RAW... and while Sami Zayn failed to win the Intercontinental championship, I don't know if I'd call more Miz a good thing, despite the sudden inexplicable infatuation the hardcores seem to have for the guy.

As far as the main Survivor Series match... it was pretty good. Running over 50+ minutes, it's had its high moments and its low moments. Shane's bump with Roman when he took that spear seemed pretty nasty, but he seems to be doing fine. The tease of a Shield reunion was a nice tease, if nothing else. KO and Jericho getting eliminated over a stupid list was... stupid... but that's okay. It was one stupid moment out of a handful outweighed by some decent action (and lots of Roman doing fuck all, prompting a chant of "WAKE UP ROMAN" from the crowd.)

So that's the barebones musing of a four-hour PPV that was all about one match that lasted a minute and a half... but that was the greatest minute and a half in the history of our sport or something.

Okay, I'm done. Good day.

One last note: Next month will not feature any musings in regards to the two WWE PPVs taking place due to my not wanting to watch either show. AJ Styles vs. Dean Ambrose for the umpteenth time or Boring Roman Reigns vs. Neuteured Kevin Owens for a toy belt aren't exactly main events to look forward to. If anything, it seems like nobody is caring about making people care about the product until the Royal Rumble hits. So if they don't care, why should I?

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