WWE Summerslam 2014

So, just so we're clear, this thing was being written as the show was progressing, with some minor additions after the fact due to rewatching a couple bits.

Summerslam 2014... the show that they tried to convince you to lay down your 9.99 for a WWE Network subscription while convincing the subs they already got to renew. A couple marquee matches on there, sounds promising, right? Well...


They start the show off by dusting off Hulk Hogan out of mothballs to push the hell out of the WWE Network. It's sad to see the poor Huckster not only steal Mick Foley's cheap pop gimmick, but simply to be used as a marketing pitchman for the WWE Network and even managing to turn $9.99 into a chant... even though chances are those chanting it probably aren't subscribed to the WWE Network. My mind soon turns towards the set, which seems to be the same set they used for the RAW and Smackdown shows. See, if HHH thinks the fans are cheap, he should talk to his pops-in-law and convince him to spend more than 9.99 on PPV sets. You know things at WWE are in a precarious state when the most elaborate setpiece is on NXT... only available on the WWE Network for FUCK YOU.

Dolph Ziggler defeated Intercontinental Champion The Miz to win the title. I don't care how good or how bad the match was. I'm just happy that Dolph Ziggler won a fucking title and the Miz can go back to obscurity and irrelevancy where he belongs. Seriously, it's about time that Ziggler got to win a big one because he deserves a genuine shot, especially after months of going nowhere and almost falling into that Zack Ryder pit of nothingness. And you can tell that Ziggler is a guy with lots of passion, just by his mannerisms and how much effort he puts into it and if this guy doesn't get a fair shake on top, then I don't know what to tell you. That said, not bad for an opener, both guys did their bits, and it was a nice surprise to see Dolph win a title. Kudos.

And of course, they kill the goodwill almost instantly by replaying the Brie/Stephanie tripe that killed ratings on RAW. Pretty sad that they have to try and beg people to blow ten bucks on recaps of shows they already get for free.

Paige defeated Divas Champion AJ Lee to win the title... and I continue to not care about Paige, who is this real sickly, paley skinned, skinny 12-year-old in bondage gear with an accent. The only real compliment to be had about this match was that it was NOT the designated pissbreak... not much, I know. Yeah, I've got nothing else here. Upon second viewing, it's the usual match you'd get with these two, so I'm sure some folks would've liked this one

Rusev defeated Jack Swagger via submission in a flag match, which results in the Russian National anthem being played. During this segment, there's a somewhat deliberate show of a colored man holding the American flag backwards. If I were American, I'd brand him a traitor. Despite my not caring about the match due to my not being American, I actually enjoyed the match. Surprisingly good, wasn't as slow as I thought it was going to be, kept my interest... yeah, quite impressed.

Seth Rollins defeated Dean Ambrose in a brawl disguised as a ladder match. Started off slow in the beginning, but once they got out of the ring, it became fun to watch. Wasn't disappointed with this one. It could've done without Kane in there, but it didn't kill the mood for the most part. No, this was good, fun stuff. And that's all I could ever ask for from a wrestling match.

Bray Wyatt defeated Chris Jericho. It was pretty much the same match they had at Battleground, but with Wyatt winning it this time. Nothing special, really, but Jericho got his good match in and Wyatt got a nice rub, at least. Still not sold on the gimmick, but his matches aren't too bad at least. Sadly, it's at this point where the card goes to hell.

Stephanie McMahon defeated Brie Bella when Nikki turned heel... gee, what a shock. So shocking that I wrote that bit long before the match even started, since that was the designated pissbreak. A completely and utterly worthless match that no doubt killed off any chances of getting more people to spend $9.99 because it deprived them of oxygen. If only it were the only utterly worthless match.

They follow up with a bit about some guy who won a contest to be trained by three old WWE guys and be dubbed Mama's Boy. I'll admit that I got a chuckle out of this and would've rather seen Mama's Boy in a match than the borefest that is Brie/Stephanie.

Speaking of borefests, Roman Reigns defeated Randy Orton in a match that has more chinlocks than Flair has flops in his entire career. Jesus Christ, was this fucking thing boring as shit. There were moments where I was literally falling asleep. I have a feeling that Randy Orton matches could easily supplant Triple H promos as the most effective means of curing insomnia. This was absolutely dreadful. So bad that I honestly wished they would shitcan this match early and just put Mama's Boy in there. That would've liven things up.

Speaking of borefests, Brock Lesnar defeated WWE World Champion John Cena to win the title in a match that has more German Suplexes than the last match had chinlocks and Brock Lesnar continues his own streak of boring fucking matches. So I tell a lie; this is the most effective means of curing insomnia.

Hey, in my mind, the right guy won. You knew Brock was going to win it and they didn't pull any stupid swerves to fool the smart marks or whatever. But Jesus Christ, they are trying to woo people away from spending 9.99 with this shit, aren't they? After what seemed like the umpteenth German Suplex, I simply tuned out. I took a piece of canvas and I took some paint and I painted the canvas and I watched it dry. And let me tell you; watching that paint dry made for a better main event than the one-sided farce they charge 9.99 for.

Look, you want a decisive win? Make it a quick squash. Cena goes for Brock, Brock catches him, F5, maybe follow up with another F5 to make a point, pin the fucker, 1, 2, 3. Match over. Yeah, it'd be short, but I'd rather bitch about a main event that's short than a main event that's boring. I mean, short matches are realistic. They have fucking short matches in MMA. Fuck, remember when Brock had his first match UFC with Frank Mir? Fucker tapped out a couple minutes into the first round. You could've done that match. Cena does a little offense, Brock knocks him silly with an F5, goes for a submission, Cena taps, new champion. That would've put Brock over as a threat than fifty fucking suplexes ever wood. Here's the guy who broke the Undertaker streak, and here he is making John Cena tap in a couple minutes. How's that for dominating? The sad thing is that most people are going to eat this up like the best thing ever because it's a one-sided match for 20 minutes... but I'm sorry. This was just a bore that was made more unbearable with a finish everyone saw coming long before the match was made official.

Besides, Mama's Boy could kick Cena's ass. He's powered by pizza rolls.

Summerslam 2014 is a case where the undercard totally delivered in a way that the main events didn't. You had a good IC title match with a pleasant surprise ending, a Divas title match that'll entertain some folks, a flag match that was better than it had any right to be, a lumberjack match that was fun to watch, and a pretty decent Jericho match. If the show had ended on that note, it would've been a perfect sell for those elusive 9.99s that WWE seems to obsess over. Unfortunately, the trifecta of boredom would be what occupies the final moments of the show. A Brie/Stephanie match that was completely worthless, a Reigns/Orton match that could've been borderline criminal due to causing mass genocide via boring the people to death, and to cap it all off, a WWE main event match that was fifty German Suplexes too fucking long.

Absolutely worthless.