Monday, January 27, 2014

1748 - Classic Bite Commentary: March 14, 2004

A repost of my March 14, 2004 Bite commentary from the old website. Under normal circumstances, I would probably post some quick notes in bold denoting my current thoughts and reflections, but since this commentary is talking about Wrestlemania XX, I have decided to leave a link to my Ramblemania XX post from 2012, which pretty much sums up my feelings on the show today.

For today, this is going to be restricted EXCLUSIVELY to wrestling, as we're counting down the hours to what may be the biggest hyped wrestling show, Wrestlemania 20. So as a bonus, I'll have match predictions AND for the first time, I'll pull out some sheets for an old wrestling game, where I had to book the twentieth Wrestlemania.

But first, a couple of notes on WWE's moves. Because I haven't done a retrospect at WWE's moves recently, so let's get this on:

I never thought I see the day that Pete Rose is being inducted into the Hall of Fame... the WWE Hall of Fame, that is! I guess it doesn't take much, now does it? I mean, the way I see things, yours truly could be the next induction to the WWE Hall of Fame... not that I want to anyway.

(Considering the names that they would induct in later years, such as Drew Carey or Koko B. Ware, I don't think it'll be long before Angry Miz Girl, who was a meme for all of two weeks in 2010, gets inducted in 2016 or something... sorry, I just had to chime in there.)

WWE considering bringing back the ECW brand name, with the idea that Paul Heyman gets fired and forms a rebel promotion consisting of his former talent. Just what we need: another shitty McMahon-produced brand with fourth-rate wrestlers pretending to be a "rebel" promotion, just like RAW and Smackdown are "competing" despite the fact that both shows air on different dates.

(The future predicted, ladies and gentlemen!)

Want to 'marry' Stone Cold Steve Austin? Now you can by bidding for his wedding ring. It seems Austin's ex-wife, Debra, is auctioning off her ring for a cool twenty grand and proceeds are going to some charity against domestic violence. Um... yeah.

Brock Lesnar: Apparently he's leaving WWE to pursue a football career in the NFL, despite "not having played college football." As much as I'd like to pass this off as nothing, I can't. Brock Lesnar was built up to the point where he became a major player in only a short span of time. He had all the ingredients to cement his legacy in the WWE books and perhaps even in wrestling history. With Lesnar gone, I feel that WWE has been struck a major kick to the nuts and I'm pretty sure Vince is feeling it. Of course, life goes on and someone will step up to fill the gap left behind by Lesnar.

On the other hand, I can't help but believe that all of this seems pretty odd. Why would Brock suddenly want out for a career that he supposedly has zero experience in? And why would he want to leave conveniently after the biggest show of the year? It's a bit fishy.

Update: WWE has indeed confirmed that Brock is leaving. It's kind of interest that nearly two years ago, I was ranting off about Steve Austin "walking out" and how it was selfish of him. Then again, we never had the full details. Again, I feel like doing a full-out rant on Brock's leaving being a selfish move that screamed disrespect. Austin may have been the man and a lot of people complained, but Austin's leaving didn't really have much significant impact and when you look at it, it's not much of a big deal.

Brock's leaving WWE was a shot in the balls to the company that literally made the fastest rising star in the company's history. Brock was booked to be the monster that piled through opponent after opponent, was given the title after only a few months in WWE. He had a dream career and a bright future ahead of him and he decided to flush all that down the comode to try out for a career in the NFL, a move that most experts say is bad because he doesn't have what it takes. Whether Brock proves them wrong or not, we'll never be sure. But the fact is that if things don't go well and he decides to return to wrestling, he won't be getting a warm reception.

That said, Vince now has an opportunity to fill in the gaps left behind by the departing Brock Lesnar and Bill Goldberg, both of whom were mercilessly jeered at Wrestlemania 20.

Anyway, here's my predictions of Wrestlemania 20.

Triple H (champion) vs. Chris Benoit vs. Shawn Michaels for the (Eric Bischoff's RAW) World Heavyweight Championship
The good news is Chris Benoit is getting a main-event. The bad news is that he ain't walking out of 'Mania with gold. I suppose it wouldn't surprise me to see Triple H walk out with the belt, but I'm willing to put my money on Shawn Michaels. The general feeling is that this is more about the HBK vs HHH feud than it is about Benoit's quest for gold. And if Shawn does win, it would be a much better match for Benoit going into Backlash, where he could win the title in his home territory.

Winner: Chris Benoit. I was wrong on this count, but then it was really hard to tell who would win. In this case, the right guy won. (0-1)

Eddie Guerrero (champion) vs Kurt Angle for the WWE (Smackdown) Heavyweight Title Match
Even a month after the last PPV, I am still trying to get used to Eddie being the reigning champion. I'm gonna go with Guerrero as my pick, because it's been a while since we had a good champ these days.

Winner: Eddie Guerrero. I was right on this count. (1-1)

Brock Lesnar vs. Bill Goldberg with special ref Stone Cold Steve Austin
This is gonna suck. And all things considered, you really have to wonder what's gonna happen in the aftermath. I could have said Brock wins and Goldberg goes home after being misused for the past year, but then you have Lesnar giving notice that he's leaving for a career in football (isn't that supposed to be in reverse?). My official prediction on this match: Austin stuns both their sorry asses and counts them both out, declaring himself the winner. Then Vince McMahon shows up with the Big Bossman and fires Austin for not humbling himself.

Oh wait, that already happened years ago... oh well.

Winner: Goldberg. On the bright side, Austin did stun both their asses. So on that count, I got it. (2-1) On a side note, out of all the matches, the crowd was most vocal in this one, chanting all sorts of stuff like "You sold out", "This match sucks", "Boring", and the stupid Goodbye song. This past episode of RAW, when Vince announced things were going to change, you almost had to wonder if things were going to "change" or things were going to change.

The Big Show (champion) vs. John Cena for the United States title
John Cena bags this one and the belt, because we need someone who actually DEFENDS the belt for once.

Winner: John Cena. I got this too. (3-1)

Playboy Evening Gown Match - Torrie Wilson & Sable vs. Stacy Keibler & Miss Jackie
I don't care about this smuff.

Winner: Who cares? (3-1)

Victoria (champion) vs. Molly Holly for the Women's title
If Molly loses, she has to shave her head. Um... go Molly.

Winner: Victoria. I was wrong and as a result, Kurt Angle has to loan his wig to Molly. Just leave the ugly headgear at home, Kurt. (3-2)

Fatal Four Way for the (Eric Bischoff's RAW) World Tag Team Titles
Booker T & RVD (champions) vs. The Dudley Boyz vs. Mark Jindrak & Garrison Cade vs. La Resistance
Oh good god. As if we really need this shit. Booker T & RVD should walk away with the gold, because Dudleys have worn out their welcome. Jindrak & Cade are pretty lame and have no business just being on RAW, let alone competing on the grandest stage of them all for tag titles they have no business holding. And the Frenchies? Last thing I want is a fifi as champion. When RAW ends up producing a credible tag team, then I'll call for THEM to win the titles, but as it is, I could care less.

Winner: Booker T & RVD retain the titles. I was right. (4-2)

Fatal Four Way for the WWE Tag Team Titles
Scotty 2 Hotty & Rikishi (champions... eek!) vs. The APA vs. The Basham Brothers vs. The World's Greatest Tag Team
What the fuck is up with these four-way matches? Are any of these losers even worth a Wrestlemania pay-off? I don't think so. As for a prediction, let's go with the World's Greatest Tag Team. Because the champs are worthless, the Bashams are a joke, and as we all know by now, "A.P.A. IS CRAP." Come on! Sign it with me.

A.P.A is crap!
A.P.A. is crap!
A.P.A. is crap!
A.P.A. is crap!

That's better.

Winner: The dancing idiots. I was wrong (4-3) But I did say that A.P.A. IS CRAP! And I was right. so (5-3).

Cruiserweight Open for the WWE Cruiserweight Title featuring Chavo Guerrero (champion) and a bunch of guys I really don't know nor care about... might as well tell it like it is.
A mess of a match, hard to predict because I don't know who will be here (and since I don't watch Smackdown as much, I don't care), but Chavo won't be walking out champion.

Winner: Chavo. Amazing. I was wrong (5-4)

The Rock & Mick Foley vs. Ric Flair, Randy Orton, & Batista
This is pretty obvious. Rock & Sock will win and probably kill the momentum of a Triple H backed stable. On the other hand, an Evolution win would go real nice and could lead to the Mick Foley vs. Randy Orton match, which is what everyone wanted, but Vince would hear none of it. So...

Winner: Evolution. Guess I was wrong. (5-5)

Chris Jericho vs. Christian
Let's see Christian get a win. In all honesty, this whole feuding over Trish Stratus is ridiculous and I hope it finishes real soon. On the other hand, this match shows a lot of promise, because Christian is such a great heel and I hope that he gets what he deserves; a top spot. Of course, as long as HHH is around, that's likely not going to happen.

Winner: Christian. And he not only gets the win, but he also gets the girl. So I was right. (6-5)

Kane vs. The Undertaker
Like you really need to ask who's winning this one. Although if I was booking this, I'd go the other way.

Winner: Please. Like you really need to ask. (7-5). I should also note that Paul Bearer is back. And the "deadman" is same ol' Undertaker, only he has his old music, a leather jacket, his hat, his purple lights, his druids, his old manager, his tombstone, AND he gets to do that eye-rolling thing again.

So I was half-right, half-wrong, and one match I simply couldn't give a fuck about. The bottom line: if you were to skip all the half-assed crap that filled the show, you have yourself a very entertaining Wrestlemania that focused more on the wrestling aspect than the mania.

(A pity the opposite rings true today.)

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