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Friday, June 29, 2012

963 - Birdemic: Shit and Turds

Someone had mentioned to me that there was an upload on YouTube for a feature film called Birdemic: Shock & Terror. After having supplied the link, I subsequently checked the film out and was horrified by what I had just seen. How something so insipidly wretched could possibly offered online as genuine entertainment baffles me... but the terror I felt watching this forsaken thing was nothing compared to the utter shock I felt upon learning that this was available on DVD for people to watch... and that people considered this to be one of those "so bad it's good" movies.

Let be known that I enjoy cheesy stuff. I like the old Batman TV show, I like Power Rangers, and I can enjoy the occasional bad movie if there's enough cheese and entertaining aspects that can make it a "so bad it's good" kind of bad movie.

Birdemic: Shock & Terror is NOT one of those movies.

Birdemic: Shock & Terror is a really cheap movie. That much is certain when you see the movie poster for this thing; a stock photo of flying birds over a generic cityscape on top and plain black text over a white background on the bottom. Something that could easily be put together in five minutes on Microsoft Paint... if that. On top of that, the opening credits are uninspired; plain white text that is almost barely legible... this and many other cheap things... I'm sorry but I have a hard time believing that this thing cost ten grand to make. This looks like it cost fifty cents to make.

The birds... terrible. They're just animated gifs. Nothing more. They look like crap. Dead birds aren't on set, but rather just crummy-looky jpegs plastered on screen and looking noticeably out of place. And the squawking sounds... oh, my. They sound terrible. Absolutely horrific.

Sound quality in general is largely inconsistent. There are instances where you hardly hear any of the dialogue because it's being obscured by the rather loud local winds rushing by. Maybe we should have considered looping audio or redubbing... but I guess that wasn't in the budget.

The acting in this movie is nonexistent. I've seen better acting in episodes of the Irate Gamer internet show than what was on display. Hell, I'll go a step further and say that there's better acting in KICKASSIA than there is here. There's never an instant where the actors are showing any semblance of life or passion or anything that will make me care about whatever's going on screen.

And that's the other thing about Birdemic: there are instances where NOTHING HAPPENS. For minutes on end. It's absolutely terrible. Nothing happens. There's this one scene where the protagonists are at a beach and the two main characters are fawning over each other, fiddling over a grill for a couple minutes straight. No music, no dialogue, nothing of note happens here. This could have been trimmed to about ten seconds at most before moving on to the next sequence.

Christ, I can't even talk about this movie anymore. It's too dreadful. There's a green message somewhere, but the crap plot and the crap acting and the crap... everything... makes me not care. Seriously, how in the blue hell do people think this is a "so bad it's good" movie? It's not. IT'S SHIT!

The director of this schlock, James Nguyen, might be benefiting from all this - the movie has gotten some cult status for some reason - but in the long run, I got the last laugh. Because I didn't pay money to watch this piece of crap. And even then, I STILL want my money back. It's that bad. If you have not seen this movie, you are already doing yourself a huge favor by ignoring it. AVOID THIS MOVIE LIKE THE PLAGUE!

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