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Saturday, July 9, 2011

460 - Classic Bite Commentary - August 23rd, 2003

(2014 Update: The following post originally featured Hulk Hogan inadvertantly gave away spoilers for taped editions of Impact Wrestling. The video in question has since been removed, so in its place, I posted another Bite commentary, along with a couple additional bits that were posted days later, but weren't long enough to merit their own individual posts. As per the case, any modern reflections is added in bold.)


Hello, young whippersnappers. I'm back after a busy couple of weeks. I assure you, however, that the tardiness of this commentary has nothing to do with the virus going around... but it's the hottest thing since the east coast power blackout!!! Which means it's not hot at all, but it sounded so good I'll say it again...

THE HOTTEST MOTHERFUCKING THING SINCE THE EAST COAST POWER BLACKOUT!!!

How convenient that my brother's birthday coincides with the air date of the very first episode of Power Rangers. It was also convenient that my birthday coincided with the release of Freddy vs. Jason... which I did NOT see. Aw crap. (I eventually did see said Freddy Vs. Jason film... and barely remember it.)

Michael Dorn, the guy who plays that Klingon guy on that science fiction show starring the Englishman who plays a French captain on a giant spaceship, is apparently optimistic about another Trek movie coming out. Yeah right. If that happens, then you can expect Worf to make an appearance on the 500th episode of Power Rangers. (Another Trek movie did come out... just not with them.)

For the first time in quite a while, I sat down and watched "Shane's Karma", a Power Rangers Ninja Storm 2-parter. Anybody who has followed the Bite knows about my dissatisfaction and disappointment over the general direction of this series and I even went as far as shut it out altogether. However, having watched this episode recently, some of my old woes with the show seemed to have gone away. This was the best episode I have seen and I look forward to the later episodes... although I think they should kill Dustin. He reminds me of Michelangelo from the old Ninja Turtles cartoon, except without the Kowabunga depressant. (Ninja Storm would grow on me... sooner or later.)

You know I couldn't end this commentary without saying just one thing about the McWrestling (credit goes to Percy Pringle III a.k.a. Paul Bearer for coming up with this name.) (RIP)

For the past couple of weeks, I have not tuned in to RAW... or rather, I have tuned in and quickly tuned out for bed. While one time I regretted doing so (as I had missed Goldberg getting out of his usual locker that he was sharing with a janitor), this past week on RAW, I heard about the Linda McMahon/Eric Bischoff "sex rape" scene. Man, that's pathetic. I didn't think ol' Eric had it in him to fuck an ol' lady... then again, he WAS the president of WCW at one point, so this kind of thing IS beneath him.

Seriously, guys. What the fuck is going on here? You had a relatively good product going on (never mind the over-saturation of McMahons) and you decide to shoot yourselves up the ass once again by ruining it all. I read somewhere on 411mania.com that Vince told the heel wrestlers to watch as he shows them how to be a real heel... A real heel? Get a grip, McMahon. Nobody came to WWE live shows to say a 58 year-old man beat up a one-legged kid. They came to say guys that could actually work... you know, actually wrestle and be actually entertaining. (Fallen on deaf ears, sadly.)

I love it when wrestlers say the Internet fans are negative and idiots. Yeah, I was in full agreement with Chris Jericho's anti-smark commentary when it came out, thus proving once again that I'm a sucker. EVERY WRESTLER IN WWE is bitching about how the Internet is trashing their product. Triple H has expressed his disdain. Bradshaw has expressed his. Even Test... FUCKING TEST... has voiced his anger towards them.

Guys, there is only one group of assholes that are acting like immature, whiny jack-offs and that's most of the WWE talent pool. "Aw, this guy's never been in the ring. So what the fuck does he know?" or "The Internet is full of stupid 12-year-olds." or "These pompous assclowns will never like what we give them." And who can forget "Nobody's forcing you to watch us."

Yes, I personally have never been in the ring. I know what I like.

It's highly unlikely 12-year-olds dominate the Internet population, otherwise no porn sites.

If we don't like something, we let you know.

Actually, you are forcing us to watch your crap. You killed off your competition. Two or three years ago, if you were showing crap, we'd tune to Nitro on the other channel. Now that option is eliminated thanks to you. (I guess TNA isn't competition back in 2003... or was I unintentionally predicting the future?)

So let me explain the WWE: these guys have never been on the Internet so what the fuck do they know? The WWE is full of stupid, deluded 12-year-olds. These pompous assclowns will never like what anybody says about them... oh yeah, how could I forget this last bit: Nobody's forcing you to go on the Internet. Nobody is forcing you to maintain a website that is high in flashiness and low in content. (And yet here we are; a WWE that is embracing the online social media thing.)

So do us and yourselves a favor and shut the fuck up.

When you realize how much your product sucks, you can send everyone an apology.

Until next time, folks.

POSTSCRIPT - August 26th, 2003
The postscript is rare, but brief. I'll just say a couple things and sign off.

Summerslam was, for lack of a better word, average. Angle vs Lesnar was not as good as their first encounter, Coach turned heel by slapping Shane McMahon silly, and Kane beats RVD with the incredible missing tombstone on the air above the steel steps... but hey, at least Goldberg lost, so it's not all bad.

RAW, the next day, however was extremely stupid. Kane falls into a "burning" dumpster? A full-time commentator and former wrestler (Jerry Lawler) competiting for the Intercontinental championship? Rosey beating up the T-shirt guy? To quote 411mania's Scott Keith, remember when RAW used to have wrestlers?

I recently purchased the Best of Power Rangers DVD. The package consists of five episodes including White Light (the debut of Captain Super Fighter Man... er, I mean the White Ranger), Countdown to Destruction (the PRiS finale, considered to be the absolute best arc by fans), To the Tenth Power (PRiS/PRLG team-up ep, only one part), Trakeena's Revenge (PRLG/PRLR team-up, also available on VHS), and the 10th anniversary Red Ranger reunion episode, Forever Red. It's an alright DVD despite some varying grain quality. (The one positive that can be said about the Disney buyout is that the series made the jump to DVD, which I honestly felt would've taken Saban a little while longer to jump on that boat. Funny how it took the franchise changing hands again to get the beautiful DVD sets that we'd currently enjoy now.)

The Bite - September 3rd, 2003 (Insomnia Induced Edition)
Hey, kids. This is gonna be a relatively short commentary... in fact, the entire commentary is this one paragraph. That's what a common cold, a common headache, and a bad case of insomnia will do to you. I'm not gonna mince words with you: today I feel like shit. I started Tuesday with a running nose and slightly itchiness on the nostrils (caused by much rubbing of tissues), and end the day with a endless wave of sneezes and a massive headache not even a dose of Aleve can kill off. It's getting so irritating that I can't even find the words to bitch properly. I can't talk about RAW, which sucked. I can't talk about Smackdown, which sucked more. I can't talk about this past weekend being the first time I've touched Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, a game that does NOT suck. Damn it, I can't even talk about Macho Man's ear-splitting new rap, which... is bad. Did I mention I'm sweating a lot? This sucks, man.

Maybe I could look to Triple H for that cure to my insomnia. Okay, maybe not. Like I said, a short entry today. Maybe when I get better, I'll write a little more.

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