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Monday, April 11, 2011

363 - Classic Bite Commentary - October 31st, 2002

(2014 Update: The following post originally featured Hulk Hogan inadvertantly gave away spoilers for taped editions of Impact Wrestling. The video in question has since been removed, so in its place, I posted another Bite commentary, along with a couple additional bits that were posted days later, but weren't long enough to merit their own individual posts. As per the case, any modern reflections is added in bold.)


Happy Halloween. Have fun with your trick-or-treating. Now to my juicy rants:

POWER RANGERS
I recently made a search on eBay for Power Ranger products whose pictures I can steal... um, I mean, borrow and have them stagnate my hard drive. I stumbled across a funny entry, namely the Forever Red episode recently aired on ABC and ABC Family just a short while ago. For the uninformed, the episode in question unites a bunch of Red Rangers from the series' past and have them fight a bunch of Beetleborgs (don't ask - it is simply not worth any valid explanation). A poor soul has spent thirty bucks on an episode that was essentially taped on VHS right off the broadcast. THIRTY BUCKS?! Are you nuts?! For one friggin' episode?!

I'm gonna go on eBay right and see how many more Forever Red completed entries I can find... Oh look, I just found two more additional entries. Each auction ended at $27.50 and $25 respectively. By the way, all of these are in US funds... THIRTY BUCKS?! Who was the genius that thought up that idea?!

Another entry has been found. This one is at twenty dollars... come on, people. Are you that desperate to catch an episode that could possibly repeat in a few weeks time? This is ridiculous. EBay is for hard-to-find items and out-of-print merchandise, not to sell fresh-off-the-home-VCR tapes that probably would make it to the 33 cent store...

Suddenly, I'm not ashamed to admit an existence of retail Power Rangers tapes in my video library just as easily as I am not ashamed to admit I own three WCW tapes... and no, I am not selling any of them. Screw you, man.

Speaking of broadcast Power Rangers, ABC has not been kind as to show PR episodes. Not even CTV, although that isn't much of a surprise when I think about it. That means I have to tune into ABC Family. Then again, it's the only place I can go for old MMPR re-runs, even though some of them have been butchered.

Out of all the Red Rangers, the best one is Turbo Ranger TJ. Why? Because no matter how hard you change history, no matter how many worlds you save, no matter how many galaxies you discover, nothing beats getting baked in a giant pizza and living to tell about it!

In 2003, the second Power Rangers DVD will be unleashed. This is nothing more than a collection of episodes promoted as episodes that THE FANS picked... one of them includes Forever Red... what a surprise there!

THIRTY BUCKS?! Okay, I'll leave it alone...

SPORTS-ENTERTAINMENT
The ELIMINATION CHAMBER... What is it? And why does it sound like a stupid idea? Then again, I say something is stupid, then I see it and say it's the greatest thing on earth. That would be my gut reaction if I was easily impressed. But then, I'm the guy who just barely a week ago mentioned that the latest Hell-in-a-Cell offering was bad. Now that I think about it, it wasn't that bad. I mean, there was blood all over the place. Nobody fell off the roof, but you can't ask for everything. Maybe the ELIMINATION CHAMBER will fill my craving for a career-ending fall off a cage and unto Michael Cole's head.

So far, certain hints have been offered: it will combine aspects of Survivor Series, Royal Rumble, and Eric Bischoff's personal favorite, Wargames... now Uncle Eric has to remember that he's dealing with WWE fans and they are completely oblivious to Wargames, so I'll fill the void. Basically, Wargames is a steel cage that surrounds two rings. The match consists of two teams of four. Two men from each start off and every two minutes, another man from either team will enter the frey. The match can be won by pinfall or submission, but only when all members of each team are in the rings... Somehow, I doubt that the ELIMINATION CHAMBER will function this way, but who knows? Will we see two rings side-by-side for the first time in WWE? Tune in to RAW next week to learn more secrets of the ELIMINATION CHAMBER!

Yeah, I remember a time back in 1999 when my friend Ralph quit watching WWF pay-per-views because of Michael Cole. Back then, Cole and King were doing commentary because Jim Ross (the old guy with the cowboy hat) was suffering from a second round of Bells' Palsy. These days, Ralph will check out some PPVs through tapes that I send him. When he saw No Mercy's Cell match, he and I talked. The conversation went something like this:

Ralph: Hey, Dave. I saw the PPV.
Dave: Really? How was it?
Ralph: Is Jim Ross suffering Bells' Palsy again?
Dave: Nope.
Ralph: So why is stupid Cole doing main-events?
Dave: Because the main event is a Smackdown match. JR does RAW matches only.
Ralph: Don't get me Survivor Series then.

Okay, okay... that last bit didn't really happen. Give MC his due, he has improved a lot since being known as "that guy who gets his face covered with a T-shirt by the Rock." Of course, you must credit Tazz for carrying Cole's scrawny ass, just as you must credit Lawler for carrying Ross' fat ass... although neither ass is preferable... that's it! I'm crossing the line between normal ranting and excessive stupidity!! ENOUGH!!!

Speaking of excessive stupidity. why is Triple H still World champion? And why are we subjected to more stupidity such as Perspiration-H in the operating room (although it is kinda funny). The sad thing was that HHH got his best match ever with a fucking mannequin! Come on, people!! You can do better than that. Seriously, WWE is in trouble. Not just with the HHH thing, but in all departments. Let's face it, when you book the Big Show in the main event of a Pay-Per-View or any show for that matter, you can smell the buyrate... and believe me, it doesn't smell ANYTHING like chicken. That being said, the ELIMINATION CHAMBER is probably gonna be the one match that has to carry the PPV. In any case, I enjoyed the casket match. A RAW match that actually kicks ass instead of sucks ass not only makes the brand much more interesting, but will more than make up for this Katie Vick crap... supposedly, Vince McMahon Jr. is the only one who actually likes the angle and is pushing it to go on, despite RAW's serious drop in ratings (it did a 3.4, where last week it did a 3.7.)

Vince McMahon Sr. is rolling in his grave right about now.

Um... about Shawn Michaels... WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?! HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE HURT!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!!! HOLY MOTHERCRAPPING!!!! SWEET JESUS!!! WHAT THE FUCK?! THE GUY'S GOT A BAD BACK AND HE'S DOING ALL THIS SHIT?! AND HE'S IN THE DREADED ELIMINATION CHAMBER?!!! HOLY CRAP! ....... Okay, my spasm is over...

Tonight is the Smackdown Halloween party... anything is better than a stupid broken trophy match (Copyright Scott Keith) for the main event from LAST WEEK...

For some time, I have been hearing rumors about a possible PPV featuring a fight between WWE World Champion Brock Lesnar and boxing champ Lennox Lewis. Of course, I'm thinking to myself. Yeah right.

Then I hear that a news article on such an encounter has been posted on BoxingInsider.Com. According to the article, "Vince McMahon has recently contacted the Nevada State Athletic Commission stating he wants to promote a PPV card in Las Vegas. These talks are in the primary stages but seem to take the Lennox Lewis vs. Brock Lesnar fight another step closer to reality." The article states that they wanted the fight to happen in February 2003, in time for Wrestlemania, but because Lennox is busy that month, the match is slated for October along with a Kurt Angle/Michael Moorer undercard.

All I can say is that if this happens, excellent. I have longed to see a true, legitimate boxer vs. wrestler match similar to the one Ali and Antonio Inoki had a long time ago. Of course it also comes down to execution. McMahon must be careful when it comes to this kind of event. He can't treat this like another sports-entertainment angle because if he does, the fight will be passed off by many people as being fake. And we don't want that.

If this ends up being good, then Vince McMahon can say that he's had at least one good legitimate non-WWE event. If you want to check out the article, click here.

Well, that's it for this edition. I have to go out on a date with Katie Vick... AAAARRRGGHH!!!! Aw, fuck it. See you next week.

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